writing, Writing Prompt

Oh When It Rains

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When going through a point in separation and divorce, I was deep in myself and trying to basically hide from the world, family, everyone and everything.  I didn’t know how to keep the things I was going through to myself ,what I was dealing with, so I closed down because I didn’t want to pull everyone into my problems.  Especially my kids.  It was not the right thing to do because I ended up hurting those I love instead of protecting them and keeping them out of things.

So it started by me pulling away from everyone.  My parents, my boys and my friends.  There were only a couple of people I would share things with and still felt guilty doing that.  Those I confided in, my family did not understand why, but I felt by having someone on the outside, they would see things better than I or family could.

At one point I freaked and ran.  I couldn’t deal with the way things were going and the way I felt pressured from every angle to decide and act on what I was going to do.  It scared and petrified me because of the change I knew I needed to make. That action I took (by running) really knocked my family for a loop, not only myself, and hurt them as well.  This I am not proud of and have been trying to make up for since.

So yes, when they say, “When it rains, it pours”, it means so much more than the actual downpour of rain.  😉

Anyway, after that I vowed to not do it again. I have learned to deal with things, talk about things I am going through with my counselor and those I love.  As a matter of fact, I turned another corner by opening up about things that have been going on recently with my mom, sister and niece.  I have also written a letter to my boys to share with them, when I am able to be right there with them, so I can answer any questions they might have.  Hopefully I can share this with them very soon.

When It Rains It Pours, Case In Point!

Belle xo

 

 

Hurting, me, sharing

Did you ever think…?

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I wrote this because I am hurting right now.  I am hurting because the person I thought I would always have beside me and love had gone so far away from me I had to finally let go and find happiness.  I am hurting because he has decided to constantly lash out at me, since I have decided to let go, by blaming me for things he hears others say about me, and then tell those I love and are dear to me (that should not even be told these things), making my relationship strained and raw.

It was hard enough letting go of the one I had loved and swore I would never leave.  The one I spent years taking care of and supporting and being there through all the bad/sad/frustrating times.  The one I constantly tried to make happy and show I was happy no matter what we went through.  The one that fun, happy times together are the most wonderful memories I cherish.  And because of circumstances we both brought on from years of progressively going down a black hole, I had to leave.  It was the best thing for me to do.  He has finally learned how to stand on his own two feet and make something wonderful happen in his life.

Yet, he continues to try to make things hard for me and continues to try and find things that will hurt me because he is hurting.  So I had to get this out of me so that I can find my strength from within to continue moving forward and stop letting these thoughts and feelings bring me down as they have been in the recent days.

So, this I write from that place.  If you are reading this, bless you and thank you.

Belle xo

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Did you ever think…

That you had something to do with the change

That you lied on a constant basis

That you made promises and constantly broke them

That you made me feel I was wrong

That you made me feel I wasn’t worth it

That you left me alone

That you hurting hurt me too

That your pain was my pain

That all I wanted was you to come back

That I wanted you to fight for me, for us

That what you did and said affected not only me

That I hung on for years trusting

That my trust was constantly broken

That all I kept thinking was it had to get better

That if I threw back what you did to me you would see it hurt

That I found it didn’t change things

That I learned from you what I swore I would never do or be

That I turned into someone I didn’t know

That I let myself change in a bad way

That because you shut down, eventually so did I

Did you ever think or realize that what you throw out comes back to you?

Did you ever think that my love for you made me let go and find the need to move on?

And do you ever realize by hurting me you hurt those we love too?

 

Fun, Short story, Tell The Story

Tell the Story

img_2612Kristian included me in the Tell the Story prompt and I haven’t had the wherewithal to sit down and respond until now.  So sorry Kristian! (*Hands over face*)

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I looked around as we went down this long drive lined by trees with a questioning look on my face.

“Well you always wanted to be a princess in a renaissance castle.  So now you are.” Maggie said as we came to a stop.

I was wondering why they had me dress in this renaissance garb and head-dress.  We had reached a castle and as they guided me inside, I saw my friends were all standing around talking.  When we walked through the grand doors our presence was announced.  I could feel my cheeks flush and we continued to proceed to the long table prepared in front of us and in front of all.  They had me sit in the middle beside my best friend and our other friends sat on either side of us.  We were the royalty for the night.

We danced and had our fill of food and drink.  I was the happiest girl in the world!

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I continue this Tell the Story challenge by nominating the following bloggers to post any type of response at all to the picture below:

Nirant138

TherapyBits

YoungPoetsView

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Belle xo

 

 

 

Poem, poetry, writing

The Love That Used to Fill My Heart

 

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The love that used to fill my heart

Is now just a lasting part

Of the past that have fond memories

For the way it all used to be

The first real love that filled me up

That I always thought would windup

My every joy and happiness blessed

I really never would have guessed

There would be a break in my life

To make me feel full of strife

But now I must move on

To other joys and loves beyond

This point I find myself now

For happiness to make I vow

To continue to learn and prosper

And never harvest or foster

The hurt I have felt up to this point

Yet to feel and anoint

Those around me with my joy

And never ever to destroy

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I feel this is kind of corny but it is basically what I have been feeling and wanted to get out for now.

Belle xo

 

DWP, thoughts, writing

Vicious

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Vicious

How do you control a Vicious person?

One that is wild and uncontrollable

That has no remorse for what they do

No sorrow or feelings for another human being

What do you do to stop a person such as this?

When the person is so Vicious they hurt someone

Hurt them with words and actions so brutally

That a person thinks all they can do is make themselves disappear

To hide from the world in fear that the hurt will continue if they don’t

How do you make it stop?

How do you make a Vicious, cruel person stop harming?

And turn them to a humane, remorseful, caring being

How?

*Click on the banner or the word prompt above to go to the Daily Word Prompt page*

 

 

me, Poem, poetry

In The Archives

woman-3435842__480I never thought I would be in this place

Always thought, not me, it could never happen to me

Yet, here I am, feeling at times I have fallen from grace

Feeling so ashamed, broken and crappy

I fought so hard, yet still didn’t save us

But that’s what happens when only one is making the effort

Then you woke up and decided to fuss

Even though we already seemed to be severed

With no communication and trust to help in the fix

It all fell apart no matter what was in the mix

No amount of counseling, talking and listening would do

I still saw you continue to do the same with no clue

And until I finally gave up and you went to the retreat

Did you admit all I had been saying was concrete

I am done and hate it has come to this

For even though the years have been hell and bliss

I know its time to move on with our lives

And put this part of us in the archives

Belle xo

*Picture from Pixabay