me, sharing, thoughts

Have You Ever Been Afraid to Let Go?

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I have to get this out of my head, share it and move on…..

Have you ever been afraid to let go of something you have known for so long?  Even if it is for the best.  Even if there have been so many reasons that it is better to let go than to hang on.  Even if it will make you happy?

I have been in this very spot for years.  I know it is for the best, but I have known it for so long, lived it for so long, it is scary to let go.

I have been in a relationship for over thirty years.  It scares the shit out of me to let it go.  It is all I have known for those thirty years.  Even knowing it is better for me to get out of it and move on, it is so damn hard! Have you ever been in something that long, known it was not good for you, yet you continued to have hope, continued to fight for it, continued to see the good side of it all?  Yet finally realize it wasn’t working, you weren’t making it change and it was actually hurting you not helping you to stay in it?

Then once you had finally gotten to that point, had given up, had gotten out, that the other person realized what had happened and finally started to say they were sorry, say they were going to change, say they had changed and were finally doing something to show for it….but, because of how this person has been over the years, saying all these things and not actually putting into action what they said, that you can’t believe them?  It tears you apart, breaks your heart and just hurts so much because it’s all you ever wanted and fought for up to where you finally let go.

I think what scares me the most is the change.  I have always said I love change.  Yet, here I am scared to death by this change because it is something so new and life changing that I have no idea how it will pan out.

When you have shared so much and gone through so much with a person and finally have to let them go, it makes you want to scream out, “WHY???”

“Why couldn’t you see this years ago when it first started? Why couldn’t you fight with me instead of waiting until I finally gave up? Why did you have to have these problems and why did it have to affect how we were and are?  Why couldn’t I fix it?  Why couldn’t I make a difference?  Why couldn’t I save us?  Why do I have to feel like such a failure? Why did I have to feel like I wasn’t good enough?  Why???????”

I am learning that it is not my fault, but I still get those feelings.  I still get those doubts.  I still feel like if I had just done something different it would have been okay, even knowing there wasn’t anything I could do.

I have always put others before myself and am learning to put myself first sometimes now.  I feel like it makes me look and sound like a narcissist, knowing I am furthest from such a person.  I have always been empathetic to others to a fault, taking on their problems if I can and putting myself in their shoes.  I care about others to a point my heart hurts and I lose myself for worrying about them.  I never realized that there are boundaries we must have and that people are responsible for their own problems and feelings and that I can’t take them on.  I can be there for them, support them, but it is not my responsibility to take them on as mine.

I must say through all this I have learned so much, about others and definitely about myself.  I just have to learn to move forward, to face change, and to trust that all will work out the way it is meant to.  The way God has planned it to work out.  It’s just really hard to see that it all will be okay at this point.

Belle xo

*Picture is from Pinterest

me, sharing, thoughts

Purpose In Life – Thoughts & Ramblings

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Do you ever wonder what your purpose in life is? Why you were brought in to this life and put on this earth as you are? I ask myself these question every now and then.

I am a daughter, mother, friend.  I’ve been a lover, partner, wife.  I love art in many different areas…writing (of course), music, paintings, sculptures and any art made with hands.

I feel I have been put on this earth and in this life time to touch many people with my love, my music and my presence.  I don’t know how many people I will touch in my lifetime, but I hope it is many and I hope I help in some way be it even just a very small amount.  I have felt it hard to see why I am here recently because I have been through so much, but I know there is a reason no matter what.

We are all put through things in life to learn and to grow.  I am hoping it is in the right direction and that by me doing so, I have others beside me along the way.

I know I have learned so much about life, others and myself in the past few years its amazing!  To live with someone who has PTSD and not know it until after 30 years together.  Seeing them distance themselves more and more from you, thinking it is my fault they are this way toward me, as if I have done something wrong, finally giving up trying to fix it and separating for him to find out and be diagnosed.  Then to realize that not only has he been affected but that I have because of it and have to seek out help for myself as well.  Finding that it has torn us apart along with pre-existing factors as well to the point I find I cannot go back to it.  Realizing I was “acting out” in my own strange way before our separation because I was lost and trying to understand what was wrong and what was lost.

I truly am sad because, even knowing it is because of both of us that we have gotten to this point, I never wanted this and feel sometimes ashamed and upset that it has ended up this way.  No one ever wants to have to take back their vows when they feel so strongly about them.  Unfortunately things happen where you have to, to have peace of mind, strength to move on and a happier life.

I have learned through all this that I am a very sensitive person.  I feel other people’s emotions and put myself in others’ shoes, to the point I get lost in them thinking it is me.  I have learned I have to separate myself from these feelings and emotions, to realize they are not mine but to understand them and hopefully let the person going through them know that I am there if help needed but realizing it is not my responsibility to take on.  In other words, I have to let a person take responsibility for their own emotions, feelings and reactions.  I have my own to be responsible for. And if I am told I am responsible for the way someone feels or reacts I have to make sure my boundaries are known and that I am not responsible for their feelings nor reactions.  I will understand and empathize but I will not take on that responsibility.

I am still learning this so I will slip back at times and take on what is not mine. I then have to realize this, step back and draw that boundary once more.

My therapist says it is a gift to be so sensitive and empathetic to others.  It is just learning how to hone into it and use it properly.  And I am slowly getting there.

So I guess with all this, I am just trying to say, be good to yourself.  Learn your goods and bads, your pluses and minuses, your ups and downs and work with it.  We all have them and we all can learn from them and use them.  To help both ourselves and others.  I hope I am making sense with all this.  Maybe it is just my way of thinking and understanding.  I don’t know.   Just something that was heavy on my mind today and wanted to share.

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Have a wonderful rest of your day!

Belle xo

me, sharing, thoughts

Self Love and Knowledge

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In talking to my ex, I realized something. Not while we were talking but after the fact…

He said he doesn’t know the person I have become.  He thinks I am lost.

But he hasn’t taken the time to know the person I have become.  This more confident in myself, loving myself person I have become, has just added to the loving, big hearted person I always was.  I have just learned to deal with things better and face things I had started backing down from or away from in the last few years.  I am not lost.  I have found the me I am supposed to be. I know me better now than I ever have before.

I have my faults and I have my mistakes I have to deal with, but I am not lost.  The people that know me and love me see the me I am and they still love me, so I must be doing something right.  If not, I would hope they would let me know.

People tell me how strong I have been through everything, but I think I am stronger now than I have ever been (even though at times I don’t feel like it).  All I know is God and the universe have a plan for me and I am hopefully following the path I am supposed to follow to live out that plan.  And I know it will change every now and then when its meant to, but I will hopefully learn from all I go through and will touch people in a positive way on my journey.

For now, I am loving me and those around me I love.  That is getting me through.  And I look forward to each day and what it brings.

Hope you are all having a beautiful day!

Belle xo

*Quote from Elite Daily Quote

me, sharing, thoughts

On a personal note…

 

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So…I am having to make decisions that are life changing right now.  I know they are right decisions, yet I am always second guessing myself and, again, do the over-thinking.  I always have and always will take others into consideration when I am doing things.  It’s just who and how I am.

Unfortunately it is tearing me up. Even though I know in the long run they are the best decisions I am making.

I have found through my self discovery that I don’t like dealing with conflict and in the past few years have avoided it by all means necessary.  Especially putting myself on the back burner and putting others first just so I don’t have to deal with the conflict or having others upset for any reason, especially if it is me doing the upsetting.  This, however, has put me into a situation where others are used to me doing whatever they want and not what I want.

I never used boundaries with others.  I never realized there was such a thing.  So me now trying to place boundaries with people, well it is making life a bit on edge right now.  Hopefully, not much longer, it will all settle down and be the norm for me.  And I know if my family and friends truly love me, they will understand and change with me.

If you are reading this, bless you!  I had to get this out of my head because as I always do, I was letting it take me where I didn’t need to be.

Enjoy your day! Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.

Belle xo

*Beautiful picture of pensive reflection from Pinterest

me, sharing, thoughts

Capacity to be Alone – Love

I believe this completely.  If you love someone enough to know they make you happy, but you also love yourself enough to be happy without them (even though you would rather not be), you have the capacity to be happy even if alone.

In other words, if you have the capacity to be alone and love yourself enough to be happy alone, then you have the capacity to love another as you love yourself. (This is the way I understand this.)

It’s beautiful. ❤

What do you think?

Belle xo

*Both from Pinterest