sharing, Uncategorized

Needing To Share

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*Pixabay

At this time in my life, I am feeling a bit out in left field.  I feel that one part of my life is closed and another is beginning, with the continuation of me going through it.  Does that make sense?

For the last 30 years I have had happy times, fun times, frustrating and upset times, along with all that is in between.  It has just been life.  Unfortunately I felt I wasn’t enough, nor made a difference, in a person’s life and had to walk away from all I have known for those last 30 years.  It truly is like grieving a loss as I have gone through this change.  I know it is for the best for us both and hopefully we will come out the other side with a better understanding of each other and why it all happened the way it did.

My absolute wish is that he finds stability and strength in himself that I always tried to make him see as I saw in him.

I have found in myself a person I knew myself to be as well as a person I did not know yet.  Funny how that happens when all you have is time to know yourself.  As I have gone through counseling in the last 2 1/2 years, I have learned that I am an emotional person and that is okay.  That I am very sensitive to others, want to please others (but now make sure there are boundaries in doing so), know that the reason I like being alone at times is my mind needs peace from others and the world when it is overwhelmed, realize when someone is trying to blame me for something they are actually to blame for or share in the blame for, and that even though I do not like conflict, at times I have to face it to get through it or end it immediately.  I even realize that I do not trust my own decisions at times, because I have made some pretty bad ones in the past.  And there is so much more.

I am very blessed to have family and friends that love me and support me.  Even if they do not understand what I am going through or why I do things at times right now, they trust that I will get through it and be okay.  They are there for me if I need them as I am here for them as well.

I have some life changing decisions to make.  And even though I do not have to make them at this moment I will have to make them soon.  (Which falls back on my not trusting myself still in making the right decisions.) I am learning to trust myself, what I do and the decisions, and moves, I make in life.  I have to realize that even though I love helping others and want them to be happy, I also have to be happy in what I do and how I live.  I have learned that this is not being selfish, but being smart.  Others respect you more if you respect them by telling them what you cannot do and giving them your boundaries.  That is not only showing respect to them but also to yourself.

Now one thing I have been upset about finding in myself is that I had started to react negatively if I was blamed for something and I was the person to blame.  I would turn it back around on something or someone else.  Now that person may have been partially to blame but I was not accepting my part in it.  Until it was thrown back at me that I did it. I could have hit the ground! I was ashamed that I had not realized I had picked up a bad habit of not completely accepting my wrong doings, especially when I used to pride myself in accepting when I did something wrong.  No one likes to be wrong but to accept and admit when you are is strength in itself.

I admit, I picked up some really bad habits in the last few years before and after my separation.  To protect myself and those I love, I blocked myself away from them.  I cut myself off basically.  I would not talk about my problems, what I was going through, nor what was going on with me.  I was both ashamed of what I was going through as well as not wanting to bring anyone into my problems and weigh them down with everything.  It was my cross to bear and my problems to fix or get through.  Therefore, everyone I love thought I was becoming someone they didn’t know anymore just because I would not talk or share.  They thought I didn’t trust nor love them anymore.  Especially my boys.  (For this I am so upset about and ashamed.)  I didn’t want them hurting any more than what they were going through seeing their parents separating.  Unfortunately, because I did this, they were getting only one side of the story.  I feel I have messed up my relationship with them because of this and it hurts so much.  They say they know and are not blind to things, but still, I don’t think they realize everything.

Anyway, I just had to put this all down because it has been rolling around in my head for quite a long time now.  I had to place it down somewhere, so why not here. Ha!

I am still going through things, as you see, but it is getting better every day.  I pray some day I will look back on this and think, “Sheesh, you over reacted!” (*Rolling eyes) Time will tell.

Thank you, once again, my friends for bearing with me and my sharing what is in my head and heart.

Have a wonderful weekend!! ❤

Belle xo

Daily prompt, DWP, Uncategorized

Daily Word Prompt – Noise

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Pixabay pic

What do you do when the noise of the world invades your mind and your thoughts?

You either let it in, or you chase it away.

If you let it in, the noise might overtake you and carry you to a place you don’t want to be.  To a place that brings you to a low place or thought.  Draining your energy.

It might even take you to a place that you need to be and out of your mind and thoughts that are bringing you down.

Or, if you chase it away, does it let you keep some great memories and thoughts for a bit longer? Basking in the happy times that put a smile on your face and a glow in your heart.

Maybe if you chase it away though you stay in negative thoughts and images that need to be put away and left there.

Either way, I believe we each go through times where we need to determine whether the noise is beneficial or harmful and react in the appropriate way.  Noises can be good, but they can also be bad.  Using them in the way we need them is the best way possible.

Do you agree?

***************

I know, a bit philosophical I guess.  Ha!

Belle xo

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me, sharing, thoughts

This World And My Belief

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I know there are a lot out there that do not agree with me.  This world has so much to learn.  I feel so sorry for how close minded so many on this earth are.  I also feel sorry for those that think they never do no wrong or no harm.  Those are the ones that judge.  They are the ones that turn their noses up at those that are different.  God gave us a reason for being on this earth.  He brought us into this world to make a difference in one way or another.  And, I believe, he is the only one that has the ultimate judgment on us all.  

Yes, there are people who do not believe in God.  There are also those that believe in other beings that put us here for a reason.  There are those that do not believe in any beings or Gods.  I believe there is a God.  I believe there are other spiritual beings and so much more in this world than we have any idea of being here.  Until that is proven otherwise I will continue to believe this.  

I cannot prove any of this, but I know I was brought up to believe in a God above all Gods.  

Now, just because I believe this, and know he is guiding me and watching out for me, does not mean I am greater than anyone else.  I am a sinner, as we all are.  I will never ever say I am better than anyone.  All people have been placed on this earth and in our lives for a reason.  Be it a lesson to learn, I life to change, a love to share…there are so many reasons.  

I have many creative gifts I have been given, and am trying to use each that was given to me in the best way.  I do not take for granted all that has been given to me.  I want so much to share them and make use of all of them in a way that makes a difference.  I am still learning what this is and as I learn I just hope I touch others in the right way.  I know I have been touched by so many.  

I was so innocent growing up.  I know my parents were protecting me from being hurt and knowing too much.  They wanted me to grow up the right way with no bad information to taint my ideas and the way I was.  Bless them.

I do wish I had been wiser where the way of the world and sex is concerned.  I believe there is a lot of information out there to learn and that teenagers should be aware of a lot of things that can either get them in trouble (like sharing private pics on the phone when underage) and things they should understand and be privy to so that they have a better way to protect themselves because they are in the know.  

I know we all have to grow up and learn things for ourselves.  I hope that we brought our sons up in a more open-minded home.  I still feel we did not make information available that they needed to make the right decisions.  But we did the best we could with what we felt was available without making their decisions for them.  I believe they have grown to be such fine wonderful men and am so proud of them.  I pray that they will always love their father and me, no matter what we go through and how we might change and do things.  

I am learning every day about things and am trying to find ways of expressing myself and helping others at the same time.  Maybe one day soon I will realize what that certain thing is.  Until then, I will continue to love those around me, help those I can help, listen to those that need an ear and a hand to hold and continue learning and growing every single day.

Belle xo

Hurting, thoughts

Haven’t Been Here

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So sorry I haven’t been here recently.  I am dealing with a lot and trying to work through it at the same time.  I have been at a writing conference and then working on some things regarding writing.  Trying to move forward in doing one of the things I love.

I am trying to not let things people say sway me to react and lose myself in being manipulated to act in the wrong way that I would be sorry in doing so.  I am a strong person but we all have our weaknesses and soft spots that can make us automatically react or act in the wrong way.  Several times recently I have had to stop myself, step back and breathe.

I am shaking, even at this moment, from something I received and read.  There are lies and half-truths about me in this document and it affected me to this point.  Unfortunately I know it is in part from hurting and reacting to something he believes.  I feel sorry for him, yet also I am angry that he is trying to hurt me in the same breath, in many ways.

I have been advised not to respond, so I am not.  But how I would love to!

I am an empathetic, loving, heart wide open person.  I have things I am working through, so I am guessing with me not talking about things, so that I can do this, it is making me look like a liar and a person hiding things.  Which I am sorry for, because that is not me, nor what I am meaning to do.

It’s amazing to me that some people have to constantly jump to their own conclusions and judgments regarding me.  Instead, I wish they would just come to me.  Ask me the questions they want to know.  If I can answer them, I will.  If I feel I need more time to understand things myself, I will tell that person so.

Anyway, I just really needed to get this all out of my head and heart.  I am really taking this a bit hard this time.

All my love,

Belle xo

me, sharing, thoughts

Why?…Choices…Life…

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Why does it hurt so bad?

To know that you loved someone for so long, fought for them, tried to explain to them things that hurt and needed to be corrected in the relationship.  Tried to “fix” things that could be seen yet they could not see it for years.  Loved them through all they went through, took care of them the best you could, and continue to do the things you needed to keep things going.  Giving up needs for yourself so they would be better and be happy.

I hate knowing that I did everything I could to make things good and happy for us and our family, putting aside things for me, believing that one day we would be happy again and able to do things we wanted to do.  I trusted that.  I hate that I unselfishly gave myself to others for so long, not knowing there needed to be boundaries and shared responsibilities to have a strong relationship.  I hate not knowing all this killed a relationship I trusted would be there always.

I hate knowing I made choices that have put me where I am.  I made the choice to take care of everything and everyone for years.  I made the choice to put my self-care and happiness aside so that others would be okay and happy.  I made the choice too late to do something about making me happy and leaving what I couldn’t control.  For me, I made the choice to stay in a relationship trusting that everything would eventually be okay.  And then having to make the choice that we are better off apart.

I’m not perfect. Lord knows I am so far from perfect!  And I am not saying I am or that I need sympathy or understanding.  Just needed to get this down, once again, and out of my head. (*covering face with hands*)

I also made the choice to find what was missing in my life.  What I could do to make me happy.  Yes, I may have made wrong choices in doing this.  Yes, I may have made mistakes.  I have learned from those mistakes.  As a matter of fact, I am still learning.

What some think is wrong where I am concerned and in the things I am doing, others believe in me and know I am on a journey to understand and feel good in myself.  We all need to understand ourselves and learn what is right in ourselves.  People say we only have so much time…to live, to do, to forgive, to do what is best, to learn, to be happy.  But, we do have time for all this.  We have our own time.  There is no reason to rush.  There is no reason to quickly take in everything you do and learn every day.

I am tired of being the one that is wrong, bad, a sinner… We are ALL wrong, bad and sinners in our own way.  It is the way of the world.  No one is perfect.  No one has the right to judge someone else.  No one has the right to tell someone else how to live and love.  We have to accept one another as we are.  We are all human.

Heaven forbid we lose someone, or ourselves pass away, too soon.  Make sure you share your love with all those that matter to you.  Make sure that those that you love know you do and feel it.  Make sure that those that have hurt you know you have forgiven them and moved on.  Let those around you feel your love and peace through all you do and say.

We all have the time we have.  Use it wisely and enjoy the journey.

I will step down now.  Thank you for your attention so that I could share.  🙂

Belle xo

*Pic from Pixabay

me, sharing, thoughts

My Truth

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I have been blessed with a wonderful family and good friends.

I have been happy for most of my life, except when I felt lied to, unappreciated, misunderstood and looked over.  I have recently, in the last 5 years, made a move to change my life.  To find the me that I have lost and to understand why I have turned out at this time the way I am.  I have always been focused on the people around me.  Making sure they are happy and there is no conflict.  I put myself and my needs aside to make sure others’ needs were met first.  I was always taught that others’ needs should come before mine.  To think of myself first was being selfish and not right.

I have recently found that what I was taught was only half right.  Yes, I should think of others, but I also should think of myself.  Sometimes I need to be taken care of so that I can take care of others.  I feel that by me finding that I need to take care of my needs, those around me think I am being selfish or even narcissistic in my actions.  This is furthest from the truth.  I am empathetic to all around me, to the point I sometimes lose myself by putting myself in someone else’s shoes.  I have always put others happiness first.  Even now I question myself anytime I put myself first and what that looks like to others, which is so wrong.  We should each be able to do things in our lives that makes us happy too.  How can we enjoy life and all it has to offer if we have to constantly worry about others that should be taking care of themselves and their happiness.

Yes, there are some that need help and there is a difference where that is concerned. There are parents, grandparents, children, ill and disabled individuals that need extra help.  This is a given and not what I am talking about here.

Because of how I have handled things and dealt with things for the past 30 to 40 years, and realizing it should be different, I am learning, it seems, all over again.  There should have been boundaries and communication.  In all my relationships.

Even now, I still have a hard time developing close friendships.  I fear each relationship will end the same as they always have.  I over-think and over-worry about things.  Yet, I also know if I don’t take a step forward in trying to develop a close relationship I will never have one.  Trust is earned on both sides and it takes time, energy and communication from both parties to make it work.

I have learned so much, not only from my failed marriage, all I am going through because of it and that I am not alone, but that there are such things as boundaries, knowing your worth and telling and knowing your truth.  And above all, love yourself because only you and God will, if no one else.

Belle xo

 

 

me, sharing, venting

Pardon me – Vent Time

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*Picture from Pixabay

So sorry.  If you don’t want to read my vent please move on.  I just had to get this out of my head and my heart.

When does it get better???

First off, my ex does not want to let me go and has delayed in any way he can to get the divorce underway.  I get it.  I really do.  But I fought and tried for so long to hang in there, understand and fix things.  I finally gave up.  He, going through his counseling, etc, has now realized he wants to fight and fix things.  After we have gone through counseling and everything.  I am done, he is hanging on.  I can’t do this.  He has us on a constant rollercoaster ride of emotions.  I have tried to be understanding and my sensitive self does understand and has put herself in his shoes so many times. I can’t do that anymore now.  I am done.  I am tired and I just want closure.

Second, there is a psycho out there filling his head with things about me.  Showing him and telling him things that are supposedly me that are not true.  This person tells him that I am into all kinds of bad things and I am bad and then he says things like, “I don’t know you. And I don’t think I ever did.”  He believes them and tries to throw all this at me to make a difference.  It doesn’t.  Once again, believe what you want, but I am tired and so done with it all.  Tell them we are done and you don’t care so they will leave you alone!!

Third, he says he has found himself and who he is and is so much more confident in himself, etc…  That’s great and it is all I ever wanted for him.  Yet, he can’t let me go and he is constantly still focused on himself instead of how he is affecting me and those around him.  I know he has been through a lot of shit.  I know he has had to deal with so much crap in his PTSD and us.  But he has affected me through all this too.  So much so that he pushed me away, locked me out of his life, turned off his love for me by staying away from me (even with me right by his side), made me feel as if nothing I did was good enough, made me feel like I was constantly walking on egg shells and needing to watch anything I said and did so that he would have some kind of peace and I wouldn’t stir up anything to set him off.  He got more and more angry over the smallest things (never to the point he would hurt me or the kids), couldn’t do anything for himself that much and always saying he needed me or our kids to do something when it was very easy for him to do so himself, constantly told me lies and made promises he didn’t keep, and just overall went into himself completely.  How is anyone supposed to live like that?  To continue holding on when the other person is lost to them?  To continue to be the optimistic person she has always been?

I mean, even after we were going to marriage counseling it was constantly what was happening to him, what he was going through, what he did to us and how he felt.  Yes, he acknowledged things I said and acted like he heard and understood, but he would always go back to the focus being on him and how he was being affected.  He still does.  He lashes out verbally that he loves me and is fighting and I have given up and he doesn’t know me anymore, etc…  He wonders why I don’t want to talk over the phone, but each time I give in and do so, he starts back up again about all the above.

I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!  I am exhausted.  We have repeated everything over and over.  Emotions are a constant up and down when we “talk”.  He holds on to anything positive I say as it being I am okay with us and don’t want this divorce.  But that isn’t it.  I am who I am.  I don’t like to hurt anyone.  I try always to be the peace maker.  The one that is happy and cheerful and positive no matter what is going on and how I feel inside.

I have had anxiety attacks, self-doubt, shame, guilt (all things I am working on and getting better about because of my counseling and support around me).  I am at work or at home and it hits me (depression or emotions) and I just start crying.  For no reason!  I talk to God, as I always have, and know he is there supporting me and pulling me through all this.  Yet at times, as so many people have, I ask, “Why? why me God? What did I do so wrong?” and I know it’s silly but who doesn’t get to that point sometimes?

I just want to be done with all this drama and emotions.  I hate that we have come to this.  I hate that this is where we are when I thought we would always be together.

Well sometimes it just doesn’t work.  Sometimes you have to accept that and let go and move on.  That is where I am and I am not looking back now.  It is time to step forward and move on.

Thank you, if you stayed and read my vent.  I try not to do this often, but it is one of the reasons I started this blog, to have somewhere to be open and write the things I am going through and feeling so that it is no longer stuck in my head.

Bless you and I hope you have a wonderful week!

Belle xo