me, sharing, venting

Pardon me – Vent Time

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*Picture from Pixabay

So sorry.  If you don’t want to read my vent please move on.  I just had to get this out of my head and my heart.

When does it get better???

First off, my ex does not want to let me go and has delayed in any way he can to get the divorce underway.  I get it.  I really do.  But I fought and tried for so long to hang in there, understand and fix things.  I finally gave up.  He, going through his counseling, etc, has now realized he wants to fight and fix things.  After we have gone through counseling and everything.  I am done, he is hanging on.  I can’t do this.  He has us on a constant rollercoaster ride of emotions.  I have tried to be understanding and my sensitive self does understand and has put herself in his shoes so many times. I can’t do that anymore now.  I am done.  I am tired and I just want closure.

Second, there is a psycho out there filling his head with things about me.  Showing him and telling him things that are supposedly me that are not true.  This person tells him that I am into all kinds of bad things and I am bad and then he says things like, “I don’t know you. And I don’t think I ever did.”  He believes them and tries to throw all this at me to make a difference.  It doesn’t.  Once again, believe what you want, but I am tired and so done with it all.  Tell them we are done and you don’t care so they will leave you alone!!

Third, he says he has found himself and who he is and is so much more confident in himself, etc…  That’s great and it is all I ever wanted for him.  Yet, he can’t let me go and he is constantly still focused on himself instead of how he is affecting me and those around him.  I know he has been through a lot of shit.  I know he has had to deal with so much crap in his PTSD and us.  But he has affected me through all this too.  So much so that he pushed me away, locked me out of his life, turned off his love for me by staying away from me (even with me right by his side), made me feel as if nothing I did was good enough, made me feel like I was constantly walking on egg shells and needing to watch anything I said and did so that he would have some kind of peace and I wouldn’t stir up anything to set him off.  He got more and more angry over the smallest things (never to the point he would hurt me or the kids), couldn’t do anything for himself that much and always saying he needed me or our kids to do something when it was very easy for him to do so himself, constantly told me lies and made promises he didn’t keep, and just overall went into himself completely.  How is anyone supposed to live like that?  To continue holding on when the other person is lost to them?  To continue to be the optimistic person she has always been?

I mean, even after we were going to marriage counseling it was constantly what was happening to him, what he was going through, what he did to us and how he felt.  Yes, he acknowledged things I said and acted like he heard and understood, but he would always go back to the focus being on him and how he was being affected.  He still does.  He lashes out verbally that he loves me and is fighting and I have given up and he doesn’t know me anymore, etc…  He wonders why I don’t want to talk over the phone, but each time I give in and do so, he starts back up again about all the above.

I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!  I am exhausted.  We have repeated everything over and over.  Emotions are a constant up and down when we “talk”.  He holds on to anything positive I say as it being I am okay with us and don’t want this divorce.  But that isn’t it.  I am who I am.  I don’t like to hurt anyone.  I try always to be the peace maker.  The one that is happy and cheerful and positive no matter what is going on and how I feel inside.

I have had anxiety attacks, self-doubt, shame, guilt (all things I am working on and getting better about because of my counseling and support around me).  I am at work or at home and it hits me (depression or emotions) and I just start crying.  For no reason!  I talk to God, as I always have, and know he is there supporting me and pulling me through all this.  Yet at times, as so many people have, I ask, “Why? why me God? What did I do so wrong?” and I know it’s silly but who doesn’t get to that point sometimes?

I just want to be done with all this drama and emotions.  I hate that we have come to this.  I hate that this is where we are when I thought we would always be together.

Well sometimes it just doesn’t work.  Sometimes you have to accept that and let go and move on.  That is where I am and I am not looking back now.  It is time to step forward and move on.

Thank you, if you stayed and read my vent.  I try not to do this often, but it is one of the reasons I started this blog, to have somewhere to be open and write the things I am going through and feeling so that it is no longer stuck in my head.

Bless you and I hope you have a wonderful week!

Belle xo

 

me, sharing, thoughts

Quite Emotional Today

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I am quite emotional today.  I have a lot on me and am letting it overwhelm me.  To the point I am anxious, over-thinking way too much, and feeling like I am about to drown in my own emotional pool.

I am trying to breathe and think of other things, even listen to some relaxing music.  Nothing seems to be helping at the moment.  I want to scream, run away, anything to get away from everything right now.

I know that is not feasible so I am just working through it.  It helps that while working a friend comes by just because, and I got a great big hug from him!  Then customers come in and keep me occupied.  So I finally had some distractions which is good.

If any of you go through this at times, what do you do to get through?

Belle xo

 

 

me, sharing

So, Life Goes On

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So, I haven’t been here for a few days because my aunt passed away and so I have been spending it with family.  She was my father’s brother’s wife.  A wonderful woman that I looked up to.  During her funeral service they asked if anyone felt moved to share any thoughts or memories to stand and share.  I did not stand.  However, I had so many memories running through my head.

One of the memories of my childhood was when my sister and I stayed with my aunt and uncle one summer and we helped clean, I think, the Shriner’s Club.  I remember the ash trays we had to dump, cleaning the tables, vacuuming and as we did these things, my aunt had the old country music going and we sang along as we worked.  So, even though we were working we had fun while doing it.

She was a strong woman.  In strength and spirit.  She didn’t look like it.  She looked pampered and spoiled but she was far from it.  She spoke her mind and had strong beliefs and did not back down from those beliefs.  She worked hard when she had to and helped others as much as she could.  I loved just watching her.

Since my younger days, when we would get together with the family more often, we progressively did not get together as often and saw everyone less frequently.  We were hours away where we lived and had our own lives to live.  It’s sad when you don’t live close to family because you grow apart.  Even though the love is still there, you’re just not close.

Every time we have a family funeral, we cousins always say we need to get together and make plans, but life takes over again and we don’t until the next one occurs.  It’s sad, but that’s how it is and life goes on, it just continues on.

Belle xo

me, sharing

Something more…

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I know I have been doing only the song challenge for the most part over the last month, but I plan on changing that in the new year.  I have been dealing with so much this past year that to have this to escape into has kinda helped a bit.  It’s been disheartening to see the side of me that gets down and depressed, but I know it is me going through things and processing things I have had to deal with and am dealing with in my own way.  It’s hard to leave a relationship you had invested so much time and effort into.  But when you realize that you have done all you can and that if you don’t leave that relationship it will most likely go back to the way it was eventually again, there is no other option.  Not if I want to be happy and be me again.  I lost me.

I have always been one to see the brighter side of things. To see the good and the bad, but lean toward the good.  To put myself in someone else’s shoes so that I can understand what they are going through.  To not judge others because they may be going through something worse than I am.  To be sensitive to others and help if I can.

With all these things, I am learning to do them with self thought and mindfulness to self.   I must have my boundaries so that I can do them without losing myself in the process.  I am still learning.  I do lose myself still at times.  But I am getting better at it (I think).

The writing and sharing here on my blog helps a lot too.  Even if no one reads these things I write and share, it is offering me a way to get the thoughts and feelings out of my head and down on “paper’ (so to speak).  Which gives me release to the anxiety and stress I feel when holding it all in.  And I thank you all that do come by, read my posts and give me comments and feed back!  It really does help too.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that my goal for the new year is to get more into joining prompts and writing more here in my blog.  It’s time to do more.  I hope y’all can handle it! 😉

Belle xo

 

me, sharing, stripped, thoughts

Why?….

IMG_5700Okay…I am in the process of getting a divorce.  I fought for years trying to fix something that couldn’t be fixed because he was not ready to fix himself nor us.  After trying to explain to him the problems, show him the problems and even go to counseling to fix things once he was willing (after our first separation when I was finally done), he still was not there.

I can’t explain what I am going through.  I have been through so much.  And I am not saying this to get pity.  I’m not saying this to get a reaction from anyone.  But I just need to say all this and get it out of my head and heart….

When I tried for years to fix things with a person that couldn’t/wouldn’t see things and continued to be the same (locked in himself, lying to my face, manipulating my thoughts into believing I was wrong, even when I absolutely knew I was right, just so many things that I didn’t know how to handle or deal with) and I felt lost and was sinking into a person I didn’t know anymore.  I used to be a fighter.  I used to have confidence in what I wanted in life and a marriage.  I used to think we could have anything we needed and wanted if only we could get past this.

But to be shot down time and time again.  To question myself and my life constantly. To know there was something wrong and not be able to do something about it or even know what it was to do so, tore me in two.  It broke my heart, broke my trust and almost broke the person I am.  But I knew i had to get through it and get my kids out the door, into college and starting their own life so they could be better than we were, hopefully, in life.

I am not dramatizing things.  This is how I see/saw things through the years and as they got worse, so did I.  It finally got to a point where I was desperately searching for something I must be missing.  Searching for what could be the problem.  Searching for what could make me happy again.  I was so bad off I failed at my job.  I failed at being a friend and co-worker and failed at being a mom in some circumstances.  I felt ashamed and not good enough for anything.

After our first separation I gave him another chance when he begged me to.  I took him back in.  We decided to take up an offer to move and restart our lives somewhere new.  I went and started while he was to get the house ready to sell and then move out with me.  Yet he stayed away.  Once again, I felt abandoned and that I was not good enough.  After a year and a half of being in one place and he in another and only coming to see me on weekends and going into depression each time he was away on his own.

I finally told him I wanted separation again.  He would not take it.  He kept hanging on and refusing to accept I am done.  He is still doing so now.  Over 3 years after the first time I asked for a separation, he is still refusing to understand I am done.  I cannot trust him nor feel like there is something there to save anymore.  I fought for so long that I have lost all the hope I once had.  I am ready to move on and now all of a sudden he is ready to fight!!!

I can’t do this anymore! I don’t know how to make him understand without being mean and that is not me.  I don’t want anyone else to fight this battle for me but I am so needing God to help me or to make him understand it’s done.  I don’t know where to turn or what to do at this point without being a person I do not want to me because it is not me.

I love him but not enough to stay anymore.  I love him because he is the father of our children and we have been through so much together.  But I CANNOT keep doing this to myself!!!  I am exhausted and just ready to move on and try to be happy.  I have cried myself silly tonight because of it.  I honestly am lost at what to do.  It makes me feel sick.

I pray that no one else is going through this, because it is so damn hard and gut wrenching.  I never thought or wanted this to happen but I can’t help what is and what has happened.  It is life and I will get through it.   I just wish I had the help and guidance in what to do and how to do it right.

Thank you for reading my pity party/rant at life.

Next time I will be brighter ❤

Belle xo

*Picture found on Pinterest by artist Loui Jover

me, sharing, Thankful, thoughts

I Am Thankful

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I have so many reasons to be thankful.

I am thankful to be alive every day and have the opportunity to possibly experience something new, possibly help someone or possibly make a difference.  I am thankful for my family that are always there for me and have continued to stay by my side, even if they don’t understand sometimes what I am going through or why I do things I do.

Thing is, I have learned people do not want to know my problems, will avoid asking, will assume their own stories instead of asking what exactly I am going through, just so they don’t have to deal with whatever it is I might be going through.  Unfortunately that leads to judging me and assuming things about me that are not true.

I am thankful for my friends that stand by me, knowing I am going through things but are there to listen and just be there if I need a shoulder to cry on or just a hug to say they care.  No judgments, no back stabbing, just there for me.

I am thankful I have had a good life, even through the struggles.  I know I am better off than so many people and even though I may complain at times, I am living with a roof over my head, food in my tummy and able to help others if I need to.

I am thankful for my kids.  They are a blessing to me more than anything and to see them grow into adults and continue on with their own lives is the best gift I have to enjoy daily.

I am thankful that God gives me a chance every day to make a difference one way or another. He has given me many talents and creativity I am learning more about every day.  I just hope I am doing all I personally can with the small means I have available to make that difference.

Belle xo

*Beautiful picture from Pinterest