me, sharing

Something more…

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I know I have been doing only the song challenge for the most part over the last month, but I plan on changing that in the new year.  I have been dealing with so much this past year that to have this to escape into has kinda helped a bit.  It’s been disheartening to see the side of me that gets down and depressed, but I know it is me going through things and processing things I have had to deal with and am dealing with in my own way.  It’s hard to leave a relationship you had invested so much time and effort into.  But when you realize that you have done all you can and that if you don’t leave that relationship it will most likely go back to the way it was eventually again, there is no other option.  Not if I want to be happy and be me again.  I lost me.

I have always been one to see the brighter side of things. To see the good and the bad, but lean toward the good.  To put myself in someone else’s shoes so that I can understand what they are going through.  To not judge others because they may be going through something worse than I am.  To be sensitive to others and help if I can.

With all these things, I am learning to do them with self thought and mindfulness to self.   I must have my boundaries so that I can do them without losing myself in the process.  I am still learning.  I do lose myself still at times.  But I am getting better at it (I think).

The writing and sharing here on my blog helps a lot too.  Even if no one reads these things I write and share, it is offering me a way to get the thoughts and feelings out of my head and down on “paper’ (so to speak).  Which gives me release to the anxiety and stress I feel when holding it all in.  And I thank you all that do come by, read my posts and give me comments and feed back!  It really does help too.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that my goal for the new year is to get more into joining prompts and writing more here in my blog.  It’s time to do more.  I hope y’all can handle it! 😉

Belle xo

 

me, travel

Second Trip To London

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So, I recently had my second trip to London to see my friends and it took me a bit to get my writing together on it.  It was a couple of weeks and I tried to see and visit places and people but was not able to do all I wanted to.  While there I was able to take a day, Friday to be exact, and was taken on a tour to Notting Hill and Portobello Road.  It was amazing the history and stories to be told about that area and why it has become how it is today.  My wonderful historian friend helped me with the facts so some of the things I have shared are in her words.

We started by meeting at Pembridge Road, right by the Notting Hill Gate Underground tube and we went from there towards the Portobello Road, parallel to Ladbroke Grove.

 

 

You could just feel the change in energy once we hit Portobello Market.  Walking by the Electric Cinema, The Duke of Wellington and the Earl of Lonsdale pubs (among many other pubs), seeing the antiques market, the food stalls, the vintage stores,  you get a very real sense of history unfolding before your eyes.

 

 

From what I understand, in the mid 1800s Notting Hill area became more residential where large homes were built, for the emerging middle classes as people began to move westwards, out of London. Fancy Notting Hill used to be an area that serviced the richer families and was once primarily known for its pigs. Locally, it was known as  The Piggeries because there was a ratio of 3 to 1 pigs per person. Because of rapid over development the large houses later were split up into smaller rented dwellings. They were eventually populated by Afro-Caribbean immigrants brought over to Britain after WW2, to help rebuild the country. However, racial tensions arose, spurred on by the Mosely fascists, and in 1958 a race riot broke out. Later, in the 1970’s, racial tensions would arise again as a response to heavy policing and economic deprivation. But since the 1980’s the area has gradually gentrified and the rioting impulse has faded.

The Notting Hill Carnival is now one of the world’s largest street carnivals. It arose out of local actions. In the 1960’s, the area was still filled with bomb sites and it was a desperately poor place to live.

Wanting to give the children in the area a safe place to play, the residents (including musicians, activists, hippies and local families) developed their own adventure playground and (illegally) opened up previously locked and unused parks.  To celebrate the opening of the parks and the adventure playground, they held a party. Given the large Caribbean population, it wasn’t long before the steel drums came out and a joyful street parade began. This was 1966 and the start of Europe’s largest and most exuberant street party.

As we walked from the park area and back toward Portobello Road, we came across what was originally a waxwork/drapers’ models factory, later a church. Then Basing Street Studios (1966), then Sarm Studios with bands like Bob Marley, Exodus and Punk bands. It was also where the song “Do They Know It’s Christmas” was recorded where all sorts of famous artist came together in one place.

In the late 1960s the building became the offices and studios of Island Records.  At this stage the Island label specialized in folk and prog rock.  Led Zeppelin began recording their fourth album, including ‘Stairway To Heaven’, in the newly opened Island studios in 1970.

Around 1972, Bob Marley turned up on Basing Street, when he was staying in Neasden after touring with Johnny Nash. Chris Blackwell proceeded to sign the Wailers to Island for their major label debut, the Zippo-sleeved ‘Catch A Fire’, which was remixed and promoted on Basing Street as the first rock-reggae crossover album.  For some time Bob lived above the Island studios and his wife Rita of the I-Threes was a Basing Street resident for several years.

In the mid 80s the Island recording studios at 8-10 Basing Street became Sarm West, the HQ of the ZTT label of Trevor Horn and Paul Morley, who brought us Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s ‘Relax’ single, ‘Frankie Say Relax’ T-shirts, Propaganda and Art of Noise.

Some great names have gone through the studio on Basing Street.  Unfortunately, it is, like much else of west London, being converted into luxury apartments.

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*Picture from Portobello Road Market website *

Once we reached Portobello Road again, after viewing where the park was located, we continued on through the market traders and their wares, stopping at some to check out what they had.  The market continued on down to where there was a school and across the street from the school, on the sidewalk where more of the market traders were, were paintings on the wall of the history of the area.  It was wonderful to see.  From there, we went back the way we came.  I was so overwhelmed by all that was offered from the traders, I ended up not purchasing anything.  Crazy, I know, but I just was so overwhelmed, I couldn’t.  Hopefully there will be another time for me to do so.

I hope if you ever get to go and experience Portobello Road and Notting Hill, you will, and can come back and tell me what you came away with yourself.  What a great experience that was!

Belle xo

*All Pictures taken by me except the last one, and that I posted where it is from under the picture*

me, sharing, stripped, thoughts

Why?….

IMG_5700Okay…I am in the process of getting a divorce.  I fought for years trying to fix something that couldn’t be fixed because he was not ready to fix himself nor us.  After trying to explain to him the problems, show him the problems and even go to counseling to fix things once he was willing (after our first separation when I was finally done), he still was not there.

I can’t explain what I am going through.  I have been through so much.  And I am not saying this to get pity.  I’m not saying this to get a reaction from anyone.  But I just need to say all this and get it out of my head and heart….

When I tried for years to fix things with a person that couldn’t/wouldn’t see things and continued to be the same (locked in himself, lying to my face, manipulating my thoughts into believing I was wrong, even when I absolutely knew I was right, just so many things that I didn’t know how to handle or deal with) and I felt lost and was sinking into a person I didn’t know anymore.  I used to be a fighter.  I used to have confidence in what I wanted in life and a marriage.  I used to think we could have anything we needed and wanted if only we could get past this.

But to be shot down time and time again.  To question myself and my life constantly. To know there was something wrong and not be able to do something about it or even know what it was to do so, tore me in two.  It broke my heart, broke my trust and almost broke the person I am.  But I knew i had to get through it and get my kids out the door, into college and starting their own life so they could be better than we were, hopefully, in life.

I am not dramatizing things.  This is how I see/saw things through the years and as they got worse, so did I.  It finally got to a point where I was desperately searching for something I must be missing.  Searching for what could be the problem.  Searching for what could make me happy again.  I was so bad off I failed at my job.  I failed at being a friend and co-worker and failed at being a mom in some circumstances.  I felt ashamed and not good enough for anything.

After our first separation I gave him another chance when he begged me to.  I took him back in.  We decided to take up an offer to move and restart our lives somewhere new.  I went and started while he was to get the house ready to sell and then move out with me.  Yet he stayed away.  Once again, I felt abandoned and that I was not good enough.  After a year and a half of being in one place and he in another and only coming to see me on weekends and going into depression each time he was away on his own.

I finally told him I wanted separation again.  He would not take it.  He kept hanging on and refusing to accept I am done.  He is still doing so now.  Over 3 years after the first time I asked for a separation, he is still refusing to understand I am done.  I cannot trust him nor feel like there is something there to save anymore.  I fought for so long that I have lost all the hope I once had.  I am ready to move on and now all of a sudden he is ready to fight!!!

I can’t do this anymore! I don’t know how to make him understand without being mean and that is not me.  I don’t want anyone else to fight this battle for me but I am so needing God to help me or to make him understand it’s done.  I don’t know where to turn or what to do at this point without being a person I do not want to me because it is not me.

I love him but not enough to stay anymore.  I love him because he is the father of our children and we have been through so much together.  But I CANNOT keep doing this to myself!!!  I am exhausted and just ready to move on and try to be happy.  I have cried myself silly tonight because of it.  I honestly am lost at what to do.  It makes me feel sick.

I pray that no one else is going through this, because it is so damn hard and gut wrenching.  I never thought or wanted this to happen but I can’t help what is and what has happened.  It is life and I will get through it.   I just wish I had the help and guidance in what to do and how to do it right.

Thank you for reading my pity party/rant at life.

Next time I will be brighter ❤

Belle xo

*Picture found on Pinterest by artist Loui Jover

me, sharing, Thankful, thoughts

I Am Thankful

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I have so many reasons to be thankful.

I am thankful to be alive every day and have the opportunity to possibly experience something new, possibly help someone or possibly make a difference.  I am thankful for my family that are always there for me and have continued to stay by my side, even if they don’t understand sometimes what I am going through or why I do things I do.

Thing is, I have learned people do not want to know my problems, will avoid asking, will assume their own stories instead of asking what exactly I am going through, just so they don’t have to deal with whatever it is I might be going through.  Unfortunately that leads to judging me and assuming things about me that are not true.

I am thankful for my friends that stand by me, knowing I am going through things but are there to listen and just be there if I need a shoulder to cry on or just a hug to say they care.  No judgments, no back stabbing, just there for me.

I am thankful I have had a good life, even through the struggles.  I know I am better off than so many people and even though I may complain at times, I am living with a roof over my head, food in my tummy and able to help others if I need to.

I am thankful for my kids.  They are a blessing to me more than anything and to see them grow into adults and continue on with their own lives is the best gift I have to enjoy daily.

I am thankful that God gives me a chance every day to make a difference one way or another. He has given me many talents and creativity I am learning more about every day.  I just hope I am doing all I personally can with the small means I have available to make that difference.

Belle xo

*Beautiful picture from Pinterest

me, Questions, sharing

20 Questions

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20 Questions

• What’s the most dangerous situation you have ever been in?

–On an icy interstate in rush hour traffic with the family in the car and a semi truck behind me having to slam on his brakes and he comes sliding toward me and ended up stopping inches from our back end!  It could have ended up so much worse!

• What’s your favourite culture?

–The 80s culture which was music culture with MTV, pop music and big hair metal bands.

• What do you dislike about your own culture?

–Our current culture is all electronic devices, social networks and online everything. This is both good and bad.  While it has people constantly with their noses in a device its also great way to reach all kinds of places all over the world.

• Your favourite type of travel?

–Flying and road trips

• Do you feel understood?

–Not always

• How do you feel about your body?

–Some parts of my body are great, others need help

• What is your favourite film?

–So many!! Love romantic comedies

• Are you adventurous with food?

–I like to try new things at least once.

• Have you ever hated a place and wanted to come home?

–Haven’t really hated anywhere, but have been disappointed a couple of times

• Are you bothered about others seeing you naked?

–Yes, I am, but then again it’s a mind set

• Are you a good loser?

–Yes I am a pretty good loser.  Don’t like it but don’t make a big deal about it

• What was the favourite time of your life?

–I have to say, I like the me I am now.  I also liked the way I was in my 20s

• Do you have a close family connection?

–My family has always been close and one of the closest connections is one of my cousins

• Can you speak another language?

–I am working on that 😉 (Took French in school and working on Spanish)

• Will Trump be in for another term?

–No idea

• What are your thoughts on English people?

–They are great!

• Was life better without mobile phones?

–It was different and we had other ways to connect.  Mobile phones are the now though and the ultimate way we connect

• What has been the biggest change in your life?

–Letting go of someone after fighting for them for so long

• Is climate change real?

–Well, obviously, along with other factors

• Why do you like answering questions?

–It’s fun 🙂

Feel free to C&P and play along!

Belle xo

*Picture from Pinterest