thoughts

Fumbling Through

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*Pixabay

Do you ever feel like you are fumbling through life? Like no matter what you do and what decisions you make, they just lead you to the next fumbling stage?

I just want my life to be sound.  To not have to constantly worry about what is going to happen next, what bill is going to show up to be paid, what person is going to want something else from you or demand something be done, to make a stupid mistake and disappoint those you love, to continue to not do the right things.

I know I have made some good decisions in my life and I do not regret anything that has happened in my life. Any bad decisions or bad things that have happened are lessons learned and hopefully I won’t do them again.  Unfortunately that makes me not trust myself and my decisions at times.

It makes you wonder what you did in a past life (if there was one) that this life is paying for sometimes.   And if you make silly or bad decisions for yourself, what did you do regarding your kids, and are they okay?  Hopefully you did the best you could and they came out the better end of things.  I pray this is so!

I know we didn’t do things right at times and I know that we all learn as we go.  Just wishing at this moment I had been blessed with a business brain instead of a dreaming/creative brain.  It doesn’t seem to do anything for me but get me no where fast.   I know, that’s silly, because I have been told that I am blessed with a beautiful voice, a beautiful heart and soul.  Unfortunately, that hasn’t gotten me very far.  And here I am at an age where I should be enjoying myself.  The kids are grown and starting a life of their own.  I have time to travel and do things for myself and do the extra things I couldn’t before.  But having just gone through a divorce and trying to figure out my life all over again, and what direction to go, it’s not where I am.

So what do I do from here?

I have to make some big decisions and I know I have to do it when I am ready, but when will that be?  Why can’t they just be made for me? I know…I wouldn’t be happy or satisfied if someone else made it for me.  I have been told to not rush, take my time, so that the decisions I make will be what is right for me.  I know this to be true, but I let things distract me and it seems to take longer for me, especially longer than I want.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to read what is going on in my mind and hopefully I will continue to do more writing instead of sharing my mind/thoughts.  Ha!

Belle xo

 

 

sharing, Uncategorized

Needing To Share

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*Pixabay

At this time in my life, I am feeling a bit out in left field.  I feel that one part of my life is closed and another is beginning, with the continuation of me going through it.  Does that make sense?

For the last 30 years I have had happy times, fun times, frustrating and upset times, along with all that is in between.  It has just been life.  Unfortunately I felt I wasn’t enough, nor made a difference, in a person’s life and had to walk away from all I have known for those last 30 years.  It truly is like grieving a loss as I have gone through this change.  I know it is for the best for us both and hopefully we will come out the other side with a better understanding of each other and why it all happened the way it did.

My absolute wish is that he finds stability and strength in himself that I always tried to make him see as I saw in him.

I have found in myself a person I knew myself to be as well as a person I did not know yet.  Funny how that happens when all you have is time to know yourself.  As I have gone through counseling in the last 2 1/2 years, I have learned that I am an emotional person and that is okay.  That I am very sensitive to others, want to please others (but now make sure there are boundaries in doing so), know that the reason I like being alone at times is my mind needs peace from others and the world when it is overwhelmed, realize when someone is trying to blame me for something they are actually to blame for or share in the blame for, and that even though I do not like conflict, at times I have to face it to get through it or end it immediately.  I even realize that I do not trust my own decisions at times, because I have made some pretty bad ones in the past.  And there is so much more.

I am very blessed to have family and friends that love me and support me.  Even if they do not understand what I am going through or why I do things at times right now, they trust that I will get through it and be okay.  They are there for me if I need them as I am here for them as well.

I have some life changing decisions to make.  And even though I do not have to make them at this moment I will have to make them soon.  (Which falls back on my not trusting myself still in making the right decisions.) I am learning to trust myself, what I do and the decisions, and moves, I make in life.  I have to realize that even though I love helping others and want them to be happy, I also have to be happy in what I do and how I live.  I have learned that this is not being selfish, but being smart.  Others respect you more if you respect them by telling them what you cannot do and giving them your boundaries.  That is not only showing respect to them but also to yourself.

Now one thing I have been upset about finding in myself is that I had started to react negatively if I was blamed for something and I was the person to blame.  I would turn it back around on something or someone else.  Now that person may have been partially to blame but I was not accepting my part in it.  Until it was thrown back at me that I did it. I could have hit the ground! I was ashamed that I had not realized I had picked up a bad habit of not completely accepting my wrong doings, especially when I used to pride myself in accepting when I did something wrong.  No one likes to be wrong but to accept and admit when you are is strength in itself.

I admit, I picked up some really bad habits in the last few years before and after my separation.  To protect myself and those I love, I blocked myself away from them.  I cut myself off basically.  I would not talk about my problems, what I was going through, nor what was going on with me.  I was both ashamed of what I was going through as well as not wanting to bring anyone into my problems and weigh them down with everything.  It was my cross to bear and my problems to fix or get through.  Therefore, everyone I love thought I was becoming someone they didn’t know anymore just because I would not talk or share.  They thought I didn’t trust nor love them anymore.  Especially my boys.  (For this I am so upset about and ashamed.)  I didn’t want them hurting any more than what they were going through seeing their parents separating.  Unfortunately, because I did this, they were getting only one side of the story.  I feel I have messed up my relationship with them because of this and it hurts so much.  They say they know and are not blind to things, but still, I don’t think they realize everything.

Anyway, I just had to put this all down because it has been rolling around in my head for quite a long time now.  I had to place it down somewhere, so why not here. Ha!

I am still going through things, as you see, but it is getting better every day.  I pray some day I will look back on this and think, “Sheesh, you over reacted!” (*Rolling eyes) Time will tell.

Thank you, once again, my friends for bearing with me and my sharing what is in my head and heart.

Have a wonderful weekend!! ❤

Belle xo

Update

Update and Suggestions

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I have been a bit AWOL lately.  Was dealing with a lot so decided to take a break.  I know I still have a lot to wade through but I am getting there.

Anyway, I am working on a couple of things, like audio work and writings.  I am hoping to soon have at least some audio work done and can share.  I understand it is the way forward so am working on getting that started and very excited about it!

If you listen to Podcasts and have not yet listened to Joanna Penn of The Creative Penn, I strongly recommend giving her a listen or check out her website!

Also, I recommend Unemployable Podcast! Great advise and information you might be interested in too.

So, that is my two cents for the day and will be back really soon!

Love you all!

Belle xo

Update

I Am Back

Well, I was away for a bit to enjoy my birthday week and get through some hard stuff this week.  I knew this week would be hard so for my birthday week I went to the mountains and did a couple of trails to some beautiful, calming, peaceful waterfalls.  (Pictures above)

Then this week was my final hearing for my divorce.  I was an emotional wreck prior to the hearing.  I expected an emotional time during it, but it was quick (after waiting an hour from our start time to be called) and smooth with no emotional breakdown.  Although with the long exhausting drive and my emotions totally drained, I broke down once home.  To be expected I suppose.  That is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

No matter what we went through, the love is there and I will never ever forget the wonderful memories.

So, we will get through this and move on.

I thank everyone here, friends and readers, for your support and understanding.  I plan to continue on with this wonderful blog I love and hope to share so much more in the coming days, months and years!

Belle xo

Health, me

Boy, I am feeling old!

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*Pixabay

So, I’m feeling old.  Not because of how I feel but the things I have to do health wise at my age! Ugh!

I went to the doctor this past Wednesday to have my toes looked at where I sliced them open with a slate slab in my walkway about two weeks ago.  I am taking really good care of them and she said they are healing really well.

I then asked her about several things I was concerned about and I now (about to turn 52 on Sunday) am at an age that I have to go through certain testing to make sure all is okay with my body.  This includes colonoscopy, annual mammograms (of which I have to do now anyway, because they found a non-cancerous lump in my right breast) and because I am worried about my snoring (yes, I said snoring!) getting worse, I will be having a sleep apnea test done! Oh and I have a really hard time losing weight, no matter what I do and know that would help with the snoring, so we discussed options.  See what I mean?!? I feel like my body is going against the way I feel! *rolling eyes*

Why can’t our bodies not age, just stay young looking and feeling until we pass?? That would be great, wouldn’t it??!! 🙂

I do take care of myself and my body at least.  I don’t want anything creeping up and shocking me, so I continue to keep up with myself, try to eat healthy and stay active.  It’s all we can do, right?

So, even though I don’t feel my age, I have to do the things that make sure I continue to feel good in this body of mine.  I hope you all are as well!!

Love you all! ❤

Belle xo

anxiety, sharing

You Know The Feeling

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Picture from Pixabay

You Know…The Feeling

You know the feeling of anxiety.  The one that comes up and takes you by surprise.  You think you are fine.  Your gut is saying you are.  You have gone to your appointment by yourself because it is no big deal.  They are just checking that the mass has not gotten any bigger and it hasn’t moved.  Doctor says all is good and will see you in a year to check again.  Great!

You get to work and in the middle of your day, you get a little emotional with something you see.  No big deal.  That’s normal.  Right?  Just me and my female emotions is all.  Then someone says something a little harsher than normal and you just start crying.  WTH??!!

Yes, anxiety got me today! I didn’t realize, until the crying hit me, that I had let something that was okay, really get to me.  It is that “not knowing” and keeping a strong persona, especially once you know all is okay, so that no one sees you were worried or stressed about it.  No reason to be upset when all is okay, right?

Wrong.  We all have our ways of dealing with things.  I am just realizing when I do this kind of thing, that I was not dealing with it when I thought I was.  Before I would think I was just being emotional or having a bad day.  Now I know it was my anxiety I had not been dealing with and it finally hit me in this way instead of staying bottled up or seen as an emotional day.  It really is amazing the things you learn about yourself when you start paying attention!  🙂

Belle xo

 

 

me, sharing, thoughts

This World And My Belief

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I know there are a lot out there that do not agree with me.  This world has so much to learn.  I feel so sorry for how close minded so many on this earth are.  I also feel sorry for those that think they never do no wrong or no harm.  Those are the ones that judge.  They are the ones that turn their noses up at those that are different.  God gave us a reason for being on this earth.  He brought us into this world to make a difference in one way or another.  And, I believe, he is the only one that has the ultimate judgment on us all.  

Yes, there are people who do not believe in God.  There are also those that believe in other beings that put us here for a reason.  There are those that do not believe in any beings or Gods.  I believe there is a God.  I believe there are other spiritual beings and so much more in this world than we have any idea of being here.  Until that is proven otherwise I will continue to believe this.  

I cannot prove any of this, but I know I was brought up to believe in a God above all Gods.  

Now, just because I believe this, and know he is guiding me and watching out for me, does not mean I am greater than anyone else.  I am a sinner, as we all are.  I will never ever say I am better than anyone.  All people have been placed on this earth and in our lives for a reason.  Be it a lesson to learn, I life to change, a love to share…there are so many reasons.  

I have many creative gifts I have been given, and am trying to use each that was given to me in the best way.  I do not take for granted all that has been given to me.  I want so much to share them and make use of all of them in a way that makes a difference.  I am still learning what this is and as I learn I just hope I touch others in the right way.  I know I have been touched by so many.  

I was so innocent growing up.  I know my parents were protecting me from being hurt and knowing too much.  They wanted me to grow up the right way with no bad information to taint my ideas and the way I was.  Bless them.

I do wish I had been wiser where the way of the world and sex is concerned.  I believe there is a lot of information out there to learn and that teenagers should be aware of a lot of things that can either get them in trouble (like sharing private pics on the phone when underage) and things they should understand and be privy to so that they have a better way to protect themselves because they are in the know.  

I know we all have to grow up and learn things for ourselves.  I hope that we brought our sons up in a more open-minded home.  I still feel we did not make information available that they needed to make the right decisions.  But we did the best we could with what we felt was available without making their decisions for them.  I believe they have grown to be such fine wonderful men and am so proud of them.  I pray that they will always love their father and me, no matter what we go through and how we might change and do things.  

I am learning every day about things and am trying to find ways of expressing myself and helping others at the same time.  Maybe one day soon I will realize what that certain thing is.  Until then, I will continue to love those around me, help those I can help, listen to those that need an ear and a hand to hold and continue learning and growing every single day.

Belle xo