Me, writing, topics, sharing

Continue to Learn and Be Enlightened

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*Photo from Pixabay

I have not felt like writing very much recently.  Mainly because no matter what I do, I am constantly being watched for what I write.  And if by any chance I say something “wrong” (even with hardly any followers on my blog) an alarm goes out and I am shut down again.

I started this blog to be able first to share things, like a journal, and not affect anyone, and yet get thoughts out of my head, get support, and show others possibly going through the same thing that they are not alone.  Second to be able to write poems and stories, etc, and let my creative side spill out and not be held inside.  And yet, here it is being held in again because of this.

I have reached a place in my life where I am finding the real me, understanding some things I didn’t before and feeling more myself than I have in such a very long time.  I have found that I am an extremely sensitive person of which I thought meant I was needy and over the top.  Now I understand it just means that I have a gift for feeling things from others around me in which makes me extra empathetic.  Now I understand why I could always put myself in other people’s shoes and feel what they felt and understood their side of things better than most.  And why my emotions sometimes were all over the place when in certain situations. And also why I needed and enjoyed being by myself.

It also explained why I felt the need to help those around me and take on their problems when they were not mine to take on.  Why I don’t like chaos and want everyone happy around me, so I tried all ways to make those around me happy, even if it meant I was not happy.  But I thought I was happy because others around me were.

Understanding these things has put more confidence in me to the point I feel my fire coming back.  The light inside of me is growing strong again.  I still cringe when someone I love is not happy.  But I understand more now, that I have to be happy too and my life has to be lived separately as well as with the ones I love.  So that we are all happy in our own way.

Anyway friends, I just wanted to share these things and I am finding my voice again and my confidence in my writing and love of creativity.  Hopefully, because of this, I will have some things to share very soon.

Until then, stay well.  Keep an open mind and keep learning in life and in you.

Belle xo

Thankful

Here We Are

I have a very special person in my life.  He has been by my side and supported me through so much, as I have tried to do for him as well (although I think he can say he has dealt with more 😉 ).  He has taken a place in my heart and there he stays.

Have you ever found someone you just click with.  The one that understands you more than you understand yourself?  The one that can tell you what you are thinking next before you think it?  The person that can tell something is wrong even before you realize it?  I have found that person.  I am blessed to have him in my life.

When I went to see him at the end of October, it was like I had just seen him, yet it felt like it had been forever! You know what I mean?

When he visited me last, he was going through the loss of his mother, the one person that had always been there, had looked after him and in turn, he looked after her until her passing.  I cannot imagine and don’t want to imagine.  I know it will come one day and I am not wanting it to.  My parents mean so much to me!

But during this time, he was lost.  He knew where he was, but he was numb to all around him.  He was not himself and all I could do was be there for him, as he has always been there for me.  As a matter of fact, just today he told me he didn’t realize how out of it he had been during that time.  From what I understand that is normal and it can definitely be worse.

So, when I saw him in October, he was getting back to himself.  We went to see his personal assistant get married at a quaint farm where they were using the barns as entertainment/wedding venues.  We went and saw friends in London and went over to Rotterdam for a few days to see friends.  As I said, I am blessed.  The scenery in Rotterdam was amazing and beautiful depending on where you went.  (I am sharing a few pictures I took at the top of the page.)

He is now here visiting for a couple of weeks and is more himself than even when I went there to see him.  I am so happy about that.  I am trying to make sure he sees things he hasn’t yet and is enjoying himself while he is here.  We have so much fun together!

Anyway, I just wanted to share a bit about him and hopefully if he reads this he will see and know how much I appreciate him and I thank him for being there and always having my back, supporting me through it all!

 

Update

And So We Move On

620560A3-109A-4AD0-B0E0-302B023BFC27With all the traveling, holidays and weddings taking up my time, I did not get over 7000 words done in the NaNoWriMo.  However, that is 7000 more than I had and has me at a good start to my Fantasy novel! 🙂

So, we move on.  I am back and my plan is to be here weekly.  I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday here in the US or where ever you may be! I’m looking forward to seeing what everyone is doing during this month of December, wherever you are.

I have goals and plans that I am working on for the coming year and beyond.  I know many of you do as well.

Therefore, let’s make it all happen and get excited for all the plans ahead!!

Belle xo

(*Pic I took in Rotterdam)

 

thoughts

Fumbling Through

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*Pixabay

Do you ever feel like you are fumbling through life? Like no matter what you do and what decisions you make, they just lead you to the next fumbling stage?

I just want my life to be sound.  To not have to constantly worry about what is going to happen next, what bill is going to show up to be paid, what person is going to want something else from you or demand something be done, to make a stupid mistake and disappoint those you love, to continue to not do the right things.

I know I have made some good decisions in my life and I do not regret anything that has happened in my life. Any bad decisions or bad things that have happened are lessons learned and hopefully I won’t do them again.  Unfortunately that makes me not trust myself and my decisions at times.

It makes you wonder what you did in a past life (if there was one) that this life is paying for sometimes.   And if you make silly or bad decisions for yourself, what did you do regarding your kids, and are they okay?  Hopefully you did the best you could and they came out the better end of things.  I pray this is so!

I know we didn’t do things right at times and I know that we all learn as we go.  Just wishing at this moment I had been blessed with a business brain instead of a dreaming/creative brain.  It doesn’t seem to do anything for me but get me no where fast.   I know, that’s silly, because I have been told that I am blessed with a beautiful voice, a beautiful heart and soul.  Unfortunately, that hasn’t gotten me very far.  And here I am at an age where I should be enjoying myself.  The kids are grown and starting a life of their own.  I have time to travel and do things for myself and do the extra things I couldn’t before, (of which I have started to do).  But having just gone through a divorce and trying to figure out my life all over again, and what direction to go, it’s not where I am.

So what do I do from here?

I have been told to not rush, take my time, so that the decisions I make will be what is right for me.  I know this to be true, but I let things distract me and it seems to take longer for me, especially longer than I want.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to read what is going on in my mind and hopefully I will continue to do more writing instead of sharing my mind/thoughts.  Ha!

Belle xo

 

 

sharing, Uncategorized

Needing To Share

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*Pixabay

At this time in my life, I am feeling a bit out in left field.  I feel that one part of my life is closed and another is beginning, with the continuation of me going through it.  Does that make sense?

For the last 30 years I have had happy times, fun times, frustrating and upset times, along with all that is in between.  It has just been life.  Unfortunately I felt I wasn’t enough, nor made a difference, in a person’s life and had to walk away from all I have known for those last 30 years.  It truly is like grieving a loss as I have gone through this change.  I know it is for the best for us both and hopefully we will come out the other side with a better understanding of each other and why it all happened the way it did.

My absolute wish is that he finds stability and strength in himself that I always tried to make him see as I saw in him.

I have found in myself a person I knew myself to be as well as a person I did not know yet.  Funny how that happens when all you have is time to know yourself.  As I have gone through counseling in the last 2 1/2 years, I have learned that I am an emotional person and that is okay.  That I am very sensitive to others, want to please others (but now make sure there are boundaries in doing so), know that the reason I like being alone at times is my mind needs peace from others and the world when it is overwhelmed, realize when someone is trying to blame me for something they are actually to blame for or share in the blame for, and that even though I do not like conflict, at times I have to face it to get through it or end it immediately.  I even realize that I do not trust my own decisions at times, because I have made some pretty bad ones in the past.  And there is so much more.

I am very blessed to have family and friends that love me and support me.  Even if they do not understand what I am going through or why I do things at times right now, they trust that I will get through it and be okay.  They are there for me if I need them as I am here for them as well.

I have some life changing decisions to make.  And even though I do not have to make them at this moment I will have to make them soon.  (Which falls back on my not trusting myself still in making the right decisions.) I am learning to trust myself, what I do and the decisions, and moves, I make in life.  I have to realize that even though I love helping others and want them to be happy, I also have to be happy in what I do and how I live.  I have learned that this is not being selfish, but being smart.  Others respect you more if you respect them by telling them what you cannot do and giving them your boundaries.  That is not only showing respect to them but also to yourself.

Now one thing I have been upset about finding in myself is that I had started to react negatively if I was blamed for something and I was the person to blame.  I would turn it back around on something or someone else.  Now that person may have been partially to blame but I was not accepting my part in it.  Until it was thrown back at me that I did it. I could have hit the ground! I was ashamed that I had not realized I had picked up a bad habit of not completely accepting my wrong doings, especially when I used to pride myself in accepting when I did something wrong.  No one likes to be wrong but to accept and admit when you are is strength in itself.

I admit, I picked up some really bad habits in the last few years before and after my separation.  To protect myself and those I love, I blocked myself away from them.  I cut myself off basically.  I would not talk about my problems, what I was going through, nor what was going on with me.  I was both ashamed of what I was going through as well as not wanting to bring anyone into my problems and weigh them down with everything.  It was my cross to bear and my problems to fix or get through.  Therefore, everyone I love thought I was becoming someone they didn’t know anymore just because I would not talk or share.  They thought I didn’t trust nor love them anymore.  Especially my boys.  (For this I am so upset about and ashamed.)  I didn’t want them hurting any more than what they were going through seeing their parents separating.  Unfortunately, because I did this, they were getting only one side of the story.  I feel I have messed up my relationship with them because of this and it hurts so much.  They say they know and are not blind to things, but still, I don’t think they realize everything.

Anyway, I just had to put this all down because it has been rolling around in my head for quite a long time now.  I had to place it down somewhere, so why not here. Ha!

I am still going through things, as you see, but it is getting better every day.  I pray some day I will look back on this and think, “Sheesh, you over reacted!” (*Rolling eyes) Time will tell.

Thank you, once again, my friends for bearing with me and my sharing what is in my head and heart.

Have a wonderful weekend!! ❤

Belle xo

Update

Update and Suggestions

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*Pixabay

I have been a bit AWOL lately.  Was dealing with a lot so decided to take a break.  I know I still have a lot to wade through but I am getting there.

Anyway, I am working on a couple of things, like audio work and writings.  I am hoping to soon have at least some audio work done and can share.  I understand it is the way forward so am working on getting that started and very excited about it!

If you listen to Podcasts and have not yet listened to Joanna Penn of The Creative Penn, I strongly recommend giving her a listen or check out her website!

Also, I recommend Unemployable Podcast! Great advise and information you might be interested in too.

So, that is my two cents for the day and will be back really soon!

Love you all!

Belle xo