thoughts

Fumbling Through

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*Pixabay

Do you ever feel like you are fumbling through life? Like no matter what you do and what decisions you make, they just lead you to the next fumbling stage?

I just want my life to be sound.  To not have to constantly worry about what is going to happen next, what bill is going to show up to be paid, what person is going to want something else from you or demand something be done, to make a stupid mistake and disappoint those you love, to continue to not do the right things.

I know I have made some good decisions in my life and I do not regret anything that has happened in my life. Any bad decisions or bad things that have happened are lessons learned and hopefully I won’t do them again.  Unfortunately that makes me not trust myself and my decisions at times.

It makes you wonder what you did in a past life (if there was one) that this life is paying for sometimes.   And if you make silly or bad decisions for yourself, what did you do regarding your kids, and are they okay?  Hopefully you did the best you could and they came out the better end of things.  I pray this is so!

I know we didn’t do things right at times and I know that we all learn as we go.  Just wishing at this moment I had been blessed with a business brain instead of a dreaming/creative brain.  It doesn’t seem to do anything for me but get me no where fast.   I know, that’s silly, because I have been told that I am blessed with a beautiful voice, a beautiful heart and soul.  Unfortunately, that hasn’t gotten me very far.  And here I am at an age where I should be enjoying myself.  The kids are grown and starting a life of their own.  I have time to travel and do things for myself and do the extra things I couldn’t before.  But having just gone through a divorce and trying to figure out my life all over again, and what direction to go, it’s not where I am.

So what do I do from here?

I have to make some big decisions and I know I have to do it when I am ready, but when will that be?  Why can’t they just be made for me? I know…I wouldn’t be happy or satisfied if someone else made it for me.  I have been told to not rush, take my time, so that the decisions I make will be what is right for me.  I know this to be true, but I let things distract me and it seems to take longer for me, especially longer than I want.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to read what is going on in my mind and hopefully I will continue to do more writing instead of sharing my mind/thoughts.  Ha!

Belle xo

 

 

sharing, Uncategorized

Needing To Share

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*Pixabay

At this time in my life, I am feeling a bit out in left field.  I feel that one part of my life is closed and another is beginning, with the continuation of me going through it.  Does that make sense?

For the last 30 years I have had happy times, fun times, frustrating and upset times, along with all that is in between.  It has just been life.  Unfortunately I felt I wasn’t enough, nor made a difference, in a person’s life and had to walk away from all I have known for those last 30 years.  It truly is like grieving a loss as I have gone through this change.  I know it is for the best for us both and hopefully we will come out the other side with a better understanding of each other and why it all happened the way it did.

My absolute wish is that he finds stability and strength in himself that I always tried to make him see as I saw in him.

I have found in myself a person I knew myself to be as well as a person I did not know yet.  Funny how that happens when all you have is time to know yourself.  As I have gone through counseling in the last 2 1/2 years, I have learned that I am an emotional person and that is okay.  That I am very sensitive to others, want to please others (but now make sure there are boundaries in doing so), know that the reason I like being alone at times is my mind needs peace from others and the world when it is overwhelmed, realize when someone is trying to blame me for something they are actually to blame for or share in the blame for, and that even though I do not like conflict, at times I have to face it to get through it or end it immediately.  I even realize that I do not trust my own decisions at times, because I have made some pretty bad ones in the past.  And there is so much more.

I am very blessed to have family and friends that love me and support me.  Even if they do not understand what I am going through or why I do things at times right now, they trust that I will get through it and be okay.  They are there for me if I need them as I am here for them as well.

I have some life changing decisions to make.  And even though I do not have to make them at this moment I will have to make them soon.  (Which falls back on my not trusting myself still in making the right decisions.) I am learning to trust myself, what I do and the decisions, and moves, I make in life.  I have to realize that even though I love helping others and want them to be happy, I also have to be happy in what I do and how I live.  I have learned that this is not being selfish, but being smart.  Others respect you more if you respect them by telling them what you cannot do and giving them your boundaries.  That is not only showing respect to them but also to yourself.

Now one thing I have been upset about finding in myself is that I had started to react negatively if I was blamed for something and I was the person to blame.  I would turn it back around on something or someone else.  Now that person may have been partially to blame but I was not accepting my part in it.  Until it was thrown back at me that I did it. I could have hit the ground! I was ashamed that I had not realized I had picked up a bad habit of not completely accepting my wrong doings, especially when I used to pride myself in accepting when I did something wrong.  No one likes to be wrong but to accept and admit when you are is strength in itself.

I admit, I picked up some really bad habits in the last few years before and after my separation.  To protect myself and those I love, I blocked myself away from them.  I cut myself off basically.  I would not talk about my problems, what I was going through, nor what was going on with me.  I was both ashamed of what I was going through as well as not wanting to bring anyone into my problems and weigh them down with everything.  It was my cross to bear and my problems to fix or get through.  Therefore, everyone I love thought I was becoming someone they didn’t know anymore just because I would not talk or share.  They thought I didn’t trust nor love them anymore.  Especially my boys.  (For this I am so upset about and ashamed.)  I didn’t want them hurting any more than what they were going through seeing their parents separating.  Unfortunately, because I did this, they were getting only one side of the story.  I feel I have messed up my relationship with them because of this and it hurts so much.  They say they know and are not blind to things, but still, I don’t think they realize everything.

Anyway, I just had to put this all down because it has been rolling around in my head for quite a long time now.  I had to place it down somewhere, so why not here. Ha!

I am still going through things, as you see, but it is getting better every day.  I pray some day I will look back on this and think, “Sheesh, you over reacted!” (*Rolling eyes) Time will tell.

Thank you, once again, my friends for bearing with me and my sharing what is in my head and heart.

Have a wonderful weekend!! ❤

Belle xo

Poem, Uncategorized

My Heart is Broken

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My heart is broken to say the least

I put all my love and heart into one person for so long

Trusting that it would never be released

For once I give it, I give it completely and belong

Yet not knowing there is the slow white lying to a constant steady

That beats you down over and over so you’re not ready

For the trust to be taken and hope to be crushed

As you try and try again thinking it must

Be restored to where it once was for the heart

The heart to survive the betrayal it feels

Becoming weaker and far away from the smart

Love that existed and that seals

The souls to each heart and body

Of the one that is now shoddy

And far away from the way it once was

Just out of reach and leaves you to pause

Asking, “what did I do wrong? Why am I not enough?”

To bring that one back to you and out of the darkness

Causing him to be fake and to bluff

Not himself anymore and living the harshness

That became our life and being so lost

Not knowing what to do to bring us back

I tried and tried with it only being tossed

Back at me as if nothing would disperse the wrack

Of where we had found ourselves

Feeling we had put us on the shelves

For dealing with it later as always

Yet feeling we were in a constant haze

Finally I couldn’t take it any more

I was ready to run out the door

I didn’t know what else to do

So I said I was through

After fighting so hard and for so long

I had a hard time seeing I belonged

In this relationship we no longer connected to

For all the many years we were only continuing to undo

The love we had promised one another was gone

All I could do was look on

To hope for a better life for him if I left

Because in the last few years it was only bereft

He had to find himself again and so did I

The only way to see it was goodbye

So he went his way and I went mine

I pray that we will heal in time

So both our hearts will no longer be broken

But solid and steadfast for trust, love and hoping.

 

Belle

 

 

Update

I Am Back

Well, I was away for a bit to enjoy my birthday week and get through some hard stuff this week.  I knew this week would be hard so for my birthday week I went to the mountains and did a couple of trails to some beautiful, calming, peaceful waterfalls.  (Pictures above)

Then this week was my final hearing for my divorce.  I was an emotional wreck prior to the hearing.  I expected an emotional time during it, but it was quick (after waiting an hour from our start time to be called) and smooth with no emotional breakdown.  Although with the long exhausting drive and my emotions totally drained, I broke down once home.  To be expected I suppose.  That is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

No matter what we went through, the love is there and I will never ever forget the wonderful memories.

So, we will get through this and move on.

I thank everyone here, friends and readers, for your support and understanding.  I plan to continue on with this wonderful blog I love and hope to share so much more in the coming days, months and years!

Belle xo