me, sharing, venting

Pardon me – Vent Time

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*Picture from Pixabay

So sorry.  If you don’t want to read my vent please move on.  I just had to get this out of my head and my heart.

When does it get better???

First off, my ex does not want to let me go and has delayed in any way he can to get the divorce underway.  I get it.  I really do.  But I fought and tried for so long to hang in there, understand and fix things.  I finally gave up.  He, going through his counseling, etc, has now realized he wants to fight and fix things.  After we have gone through counseling and everything.  I am done, he is hanging on.  I can’t do this.  He has us on a constant rollercoaster ride of emotions.  I have tried to be understanding and my sensitive self does understand and has put herself in his shoes so many times. I can’t do that anymore now.  I am done.  I am tired and I just want closure.

Second, there is a psycho out there filling his head with things about me.  Showing him and telling him things that are supposedly me that are not true.  This person tells him that I am into all kinds of bad things and I am bad and then he says things like, “I don’t know you. And I don’t think I ever did.”  He believes them and tries to throw all this at me to make a difference.  It doesn’t.  Once again, believe what you want, but I am tired and so done with it all.  Tell them we are done and you don’t care so they will leave you alone!!

Third, he says he has found himself and who he is and is so much more confident in himself, etc…  That’s great and it is all I ever wanted for him.  Yet, he can’t let me go and he is constantly still focused on himself instead of how he is affecting me and those around him.  I know he has been through a lot of shit.  I know he has had to deal with so much crap in his PTSD and us.  But he has affected me through all this too.  So much so that he pushed me away, locked me out of his life, turned off his love for me by staying away from me (even with me right by his side), made me feel as if nothing I did was good enough, made me feel like I was constantly walking on egg shells and needing to watch anything I said and did so that he would have some kind of peace and I wouldn’t stir up anything to set him off.  He got more and more angry over the smallest things (never to the point he would hurt me or the kids), couldn’t do anything for himself that much and always saying he needed me or our kids to do something when it was very easy for him to do so himself, constantly told me lies and made promises he didn’t keep, and just overall went into himself completely.  How is anyone supposed to live like that?  To continue holding on when the other person is lost to them?  To continue to be the optimistic person she has always been?

I mean, even after we were going to marriage counseling it was constantly what was happening to him, what he was going through, what he did to us and how he felt.  Yes, he acknowledged things I said and acted like he heard and understood, but he would always go back to the focus being on him and how he was being affected.  He still does.  He lashes out verbally that he loves me and is fighting and I have given up and he doesn’t know me anymore, etc…  He wonders why I don’t want to talk over the phone, but each time I give in and do so, he starts back up again about all the above.

I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!  I am exhausted.  We have repeated everything over and over.  Emotions are a constant up and down when we “talk”.  He holds on to anything positive I say as it being I am okay with us and don’t want this divorce.  But that isn’t it.  I am who I am.  I don’t like to hurt anyone.  I try always to be the peace maker.  The one that is happy and cheerful and positive no matter what is going on and how I feel inside.

I have had anxiety attacks, self-doubt, shame, guilt (all things I am working on and getting better about because of my counseling and support around me).  I am at work or at home and it hits me (depression or emotions) and I just start crying.  For no reason!  I talk to God, as I always have, and know he is there supporting me and pulling me through all this.  Yet at times, as so many people have, I ask, “Why? why me God? What did I do so wrong?” and I know it’s silly but who doesn’t get to that point sometimes?

I just want to be done with all this drama and emotions.  I hate that we have come to this.  I hate that this is where we are when I thought we would always be together.

Well sometimes it just doesn’t work.  Sometimes you have to accept that and let go and move on.  That is where I am and I am not looking back now.  It is time to step forward and move on.

Thank you, if you stayed and read my vent.  I try not to do this often, but it is one of the reasons I started this blog, to have somewhere to be open and write the things I am going through and feeling so that it is no longer stuck in my head.

Bless you and I hope you have a wonderful week!

Belle xo