Uncategorized

I Am What I Am

I saw someone on twitter share that this song is a great one to play and sing along to. I found it and absolutely agree. So, I am sharing the video and the lyrics for you to enjoy too!

youtu.be/BjcquP0sKjs

I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook or the ovation

It’s my world that I want to have a little pride in
My world and it’s not a place I have to hide in
Life’s not worth a damn till you can say
Hey world I am what I am
I am what I am
I don’t want praise
I don’t want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it’s noise
I think it’s pretty
And so what if I love each feather and each spangle
Why not try and see things from a different angle
Your life is a sham till you can say
Hey world I am what I am
I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck
Sometimes the ace
Sometimes the deuces
It’s my life and there’s no return and no deposit
One life, so it’s time to open up your closet
Life’s not worth a damn till you can say
Hey world I am what I am
Short story, Uncategorized

Time and Space

*Pixabay

Breathing in, the smell of books, varnish and leather, she thrills at the prospect of what story to get lost in today.

Angie loves the library.  She has always felt in another world when there.  Looking up from where she is in the midst of a vast space of books on shelves, reaching up to the sky.  Like this world of books could go on and on without stopping into another world and dimension.  She could stay here forever.  Happy in knowing she will always be somewhere new each day.

She finds a book that she knows will take her away from this world into another for a while.  Going to a comfortable seat on a soft couch, she opens up the beautiful leather bound book to a bright new world and adventure.  She looks around her, no one is there and it is nice and quiet.  Looking back to the book fondly, she gives an excited smile.  Falling into the story, she loses herself once again.

************************************

I love finding pictures that pull a story out of my head.  Something to start with and the possibilities of there being a future story are so open!

Belle xo

sharing, Uncategorized

Needing To Share

balloon-1046693__480

*Pixabay

At this time in my life, I am feeling a bit out in left field.  I feel that one part of my life is closed and another is beginning, with the continuation of me going through it.  Does that make sense?

For the last 30 years I have had happy times, fun times, frustrating and upset times, along with all that is in between.  It has just been life.  Unfortunately I felt I wasn’t enough, nor made a difference, in a person’s life and had to walk away from all I have known for those last 30 years.  It truly is like grieving a loss as I have gone through this change.  I know it is for the best for us both and hopefully we will come out the other side with a better understanding of each other and why it all happened the way it did.

My absolute wish is that he finds stability and strength in himself that I always tried to make him see as I saw in him.

I have found in myself a person I knew myself to be as well as a person I did not know yet.  Funny how that happens when all you have is time to know yourself.  As I have gone through counseling in the last 2 1/2 years, I have learned that I am an emotional person and that is okay.  That I am very sensitive to others, want to please others (but now make sure there are boundaries in doing so), know that the reason I like being alone at times is my mind needs peace from others and the world when it is overwhelmed, realize when someone is trying to blame me for something they are actually to blame for or share in the blame for, and that even though I do not like conflict, at times I have to face it to get through it or end it immediately.  I even realize that I do not trust my own decisions at times, because I have made some pretty bad ones in the past.  And there is so much more.

I am very blessed to have family and friends that love me and support me.  Even if they do not understand what I am going through or why I do things at times right now, they trust that I will get through it and be okay.  They are there for me if I need them as I am here for them as well.

I have some life changing decisions to make.  And even though I do not have to make them at this moment I will have to make them soon.  (Which falls back on my not trusting myself still in making the right decisions.) I am learning to trust myself, what I do and the decisions, and moves, I make in life.  I have to realize that even though I love helping others and want them to be happy, I also have to be happy in what I do and how I live.  I have learned that this is not being selfish, but being smart.  Others respect you more if you respect them by telling them what you cannot do and giving them your boundaries.  That is not only showing respect to them but also to yourself.

Now one thing I have been upset about finding in myself is that I had started to react negatively if I was blamed for something and I was the person to blame.  I would turn it back around on something or someone else.  Now that person may have been partially to blame but I was not accepting my part in it.  Until it was thrown back at me that I did it. I could have hit the ground! I was ashamed that I had not realized I had picked up a bad habit of not completely accepting my wrong doings, especially when I used to pride myself in accepting when I did something wrong.  No one likes to be wrong but to accept and admit when you are is strength in itself.

I admit, I picked up some really bad habits in the last few years before and after my separation.  To protect myself and those I love, I blocked myself away from them.  I cut myself off basically.  I would not talk about my problems, what I was going through, nor what was going on with me.  I was both ashamed of what I was going through as well as not wanting to bring anyone into my problems and weigh them down with everything.  It was my cross to bear and my problems to fix or get through.  Therefore, everyone I love thought I was becoming someone they didn’t know anymore just because I would not talk or share.  They thought I didn’t trust nor love them anymore.  Especially my boys.  (For this I am so upset about and ashamed.)  I didn’t want them hurting any more than what they were going through seeing their parents separating.  Unfortunately, because I did this, they were getting only one side of the story.  I feel I have messed up my relationship with them because of this and it hurts so much.  They say they know and are not blind to things, but still, I don’t think they realize everything.

Anyway, I just had to put this all down because it has been rolling around in my head for quite a long time now.  I had to place it down somewhere, so why not here. Ha!

I am still going through things, as you see, but it is getting better every day.  I pray some day I will look back on this and think, “Sheesh, you over reacted!” (*Rolling eyes) Time will tell.

Thank you, once again, my friends for bearing with me and my sharing what is in my head and heart.

Have a wonderful weekend!! ❤

Belle xo

Daily prompt, DWP, Uncategorized

Daily Word Prompt – Noise

glitch-2463383__480

Pixabay pic

What do you do when the noise of the world invades your mind and your thoughts?

You either let it in, or you chase it away.

If you let it in, the noise might overtake you and carry you to a place you don’t want to be.  To a place that brings you to a low place or thought.  Draining your energy.

It might even take you to a place that you need to be and out of your mind and thoughts that are bringing you down.

Or, if you chase it away, does it let you keep some great memories and thoughts for a bit longer? Basking in the happy times that put a smile on your face and a glow in your heart.

Maybe if you chase it away though you stay in negative thoughts and images that need to be put away and left there.

Either way, I believe we each go through times where we need to determine whether the noise is beneficial or harmful and react in the appropriate way.  Noises can be good, but they can also be bad.  Using them in the way we need them is the best way possible.

Do you agree?

***************

I know, a bit philosophical I guess.  Ha!

Belle xo

july-banner-2019

Poem, Uncategorized

My Heart is Broken

sculpture-1751658__480

My heart is broken to say the least

I put all my love and heart into one person for so long

Trusting that it would never be released

For once I give it, I give it completely and belong

Yet not knowing there is the slow white lying to a constant steady

That beats you down over and over so you’re not ready

For the trust to be taken and hope to be crushed

As you try and try again thinking it must

Be restored to where it once was for the heart

The heart to survive the betrayal it feels

Becoming weaker and far away from the smart

Love that existed and that seals

The souls to each heart and body

Of the one that is now shoddy

And far away from the way it once was

Just out of reach and leaves you to pause

Asking, “what did I do wrong? Why am I not enough?”

To bring that one back to you and out of the darkness

Causing him to be fake and to bluff

Not himself anymore and living the harshness

That became our life and being so lost

Not knowing what to do to bring us back

I tried and tried with it only being tossed

Back at me as if nothing would disperse the wrack

Of where we had found ourselves

Feeling we had put us on the shelves

For dealing with it later as always

Yet feeling we were in a constant haze

Finally I couldn’t take it any more

I was ready to run out the door

I didn’t know what else to do

So I said I was through

After fighting so hard and for so long

I had a hard time seeing I belonged

In this relationship we no longer connected to

For all the many years we were only continuing to undo

The love we had promised one another was gone

All I could do was look on

To hope for a better life for him if I left

Because in the last few years it was only bereft

He had to find himself again and so did I

The only way to see it was goodbye

So he went his way and I went mine

I pray that we will heal in time

So both our hearts will no longer be broken

But solid and steadfast for trust, love and hoping.

Belle

Audio for My Heart Is Broken

wave-1837426__480

 

 

pictureprompt, Uncategorized

Use Wisely

fullsizeoutput_4f5e

*Pixabay

As she walks slowly through the woods behind her home, she is lost in her thoughts.  Thoughts of frustration, feeling lost, wanting to help heal, wanting to move things, maybe by air.

Leaves float by her and around her.  She thinks, “it’s awfully early for the leaves to be falling.”  

Unfocused on her surroundings yet focused on her thoughts, she doesn’t realize that the more she gets lost in her thoughts, the more the wind is picking up and leaves are swirling around her.  They brush her face, along her cheeks and softly touching her lips.  She stops and looks around her.  She finds herself in the midst of a small tornado of leaves and flowers.  Her hands are lifted up on each side of her and she is tingling with sensation.  “What is going on?!”

Watching as the leaves swirl about, she breathes in deeply and exhales evenly.  Everything slows down slowly and as she brings her breathing to a steady rhythm, it all settles around her.  “What just happened?”  She asks out loud.

“Power is a great thing. Now you know you have it, use it wisely,” A voice from no where is heard suddenly and disappears just as quickly.

She stands there stunned and unable to comprehend what just happened.

“Maddie where are you?” she hears her sister call.

“I’m here!” and she moves to meet her.


A story that has formed in my mind just from a picture.

Belle xo