me, sharing, thoughts

My Truth

IMG_6811

I have been blessed with a wonderful family and good friends.

I have been happy for most of my life, except when I felt lied to, unappreciated, misunderstood and looked over.  I have recently, in the last 5 years, made a move to change my life.  To find the me that I have lost and to understand why I have turned out at this time the way I am.  I have always been focused on the people around me.  Making sure they are happy and there is no conflict.  I put myself and my needs aside to make sure others’ needs were met first.  I was always taught that others’ needs should come before mine.  To think of myself first was being selfish and not right.

I have recently found that what I was taught was only half right.  Yes, I should think of others, but I also should think of myself.  Sometimes I need to be taken care of so that I can take care of others.  I feel that by me finding that I need to take care of my needs, those around me think I am being selfish or even narcissistic in my actions.  This is furthest from the truth.  I am empathetic to all around me, to the point I sometimes lose myself by putting myself in someone else’s shoes.  I have always put others happiness first.  Even now I question myself anytime I put myself first and what that looks like to others, which is so wrong.  We should each be able to do things in our lives that makes us happy too.  How can we enjoy life and all it has to offer if we have to constantly worry about others that should be taking care of themselves and their happiness.

Yes, there are some that need help and there is a difference where that is concerned. There are parents, grandparents, children, ill and disabled individuals that need extra help.  This is a given and not what I am talking about here.

Because of how I have handled things and dealt with things for the past 30 to 40 years, and realizing it should be different, I am learning, it seems, all over again.  There should have been boundaries and communication.  In all my relationships.

Even now, I still have a hard time developing close friendships.  I fear each relationship will end the same as they always have.  I over-think and over-worry about things.  Yet, I also know if I don’t take a step forward in trying to develop a close relationship I will never have one.  Trust is earned on both sides and it takes time, energy and communication from both parties to make it work.

I have learned so much, not only from my failed marriage, all I am going through because of it and that I am not alone, but that there are such things as boundaries, knowing your worth and telling and knowing your truth.  And above all, love yourself because only you and God will, if no one else.

Belle xo

 

 

DWP, thoughts, writing

Vicious

fullsizeoutput_4a94.jpeg

Vicious

How do you control a Vicious person?

One that is wild and uncontrollable

That has no remorse for what they do

No sorrow or feelings for another human being

What do you do to stop a person such as this?

When the person is so Vicious they hurt someone

Hurt them with words and actions so brutally

That a person thinks all they can do is make themselves disappear

To hide from the world in fear that the hurt will continue if they don’t

How do you make it stop?

How do you make a Vicious, cruel person stop harming?

And turn them to a humane, remorseful, caring being

How?

*Click on the banner or the word prompt above to go to the Daily Word Prompt page*

 

 

me, sharing, thoughts

Quite Emotional Today

water-2725337__480

I am quite emotional today.  I have a lot on me and am letting it overwhelm me.  To the point I am anxious, over-thinking way too much, and feeling like I am about to drown in my own emotional pool.

I am trying to breathe and think of other things, even listen to some relaxing music.  Nothing seems to be helping at the moment.  I want to scream, run away, anything to get away from everything right now.

I know that is not feasible so I am just working through it.  It helps that while working a friend comes by just because, and I got a great big hug from him!  Then customers come in and keep me occupied.  So I finally had some distractions which is good.

If any of you go through this at times, what do you do to get through?

Belle xo

 

 

me, sharing, stripped, thoughts

Why?….

IMG_5700Okay…I am in the process of getting a divorce.  I fought for years trying to fix something that couldn’t be fixed because he was not ready to fix himself nor us.  After trying to explain to him the problems, show him the problems and even go to counseling to fix things once he was willing (after our first separation when I was finally done), he still was not there.

I can’t explain what I am going through.  I have been through so much.  And I am not saying this to get pity.  I’m not saying this to get a reaction from anyone.  But I just need to say all this and get it out of my head and heart….

When I tried for years to fix things with a person that couldn’t/wouldn’t see things and continued to be the same (locked in himself, lying to my face, manipulating my thoughts into believing I was wrong, even when I absolutely knew I was right, just so many things that I didn’t know how to handle or deal with) and I felt lost and was sinking into a person I didn’t know anymore.  I used to be a fighter.  I used to have confidence in what I wanted in life and a marriage.  I used to think we could have anything we needed and wanted if only we could get past this.

But to be shot down time and time again.  To question myself and my life constantly. To know there was something wrong and not be able to do something about it or even know what it was to do so, tore me in two.  It broke my heart, broke my trust and almost broke the person I am.  But I knew i had to get through it and get my kids out the door, into college and starting their own life so they could be better than we were, hopefully, in life.

I am not dramatizing things.  This is how I see/saw things through the years and as they got worse, so did I.  It finally got to a point where I was desperately searching for something I must be missing.  Searching for what could be the problem.  Searching for what could make me happy again.  I was so bad off I failed at my job.  I failed at being a friend and co-worker and failed at being a mom in some circumstances.  I felt ashamed and not good enough for anything.

After our first separation I gave him another chance when he begged me to.  I took him back in.  We decided to take up an offer to move and restart our lives somewhere new.  I went and started while he was to get the house ready to sell and then move out with me.  Yet he stayed away.  Once again, I felt abandoned and that I was not good enough.  After a year and a half of being in one place and he in another and only coming to see me on weekends and going into depression each time he was away on his own.

I finally told him I wanted separation again.  He would not take it.  He kept hanging on and refusing to accept I am done.  He is still doing so now.  Over 3 years after the first time I asked for a separation, he is still refusing to understand I am done.  I cannot trust him nor feel like there is something there to save anymore.  I fought for so long that I have lost all the hope I once had.  I am ready to move on and now all of a sudden he is ready to fight!!!

I can’t do this anymore! I don’t know how to make him understand without being mean and that is not me.  I don’t want anyone else to fight this battle for me but I am so needing God to help me or to make him understand it’s done.  I don’t know where to turn or what to do at this point without being a person I do not want to me because it is not me.

I love him but not enough to stay anymore.  I love him because he is the father of our children and we have been through so much together.  But I CANNOT keep doing this to myself!!!  I am exhausted and just ready to move on and try to be happy.  I have cried myself silly tonight because of it.  I honestly am lost at what to do.  It makes me feel sick.

I pray that no one else is going through this, because it is so damn hard and gut wrenching.  I never thought or wanted this to happen but I can’t help what is and what has happened.  It is life and I will get through it.   I just wish I had the help and guidance in what to do and how to do it right.

Thank you for reading my pity party/rant at life.

Next time I will be brighter ❤

Belle xo

*Picture found on Pinterest by artist Loui Jover

me, sharing, Thankful, thoughts

I Am Thankful

1d439d509f9e9dc1eb2eb822912e282b

I have so many reasons to be thankful.

I am thankful to be alive every day and have the opportunity to possibly experience something new, possibly help someone or possibly make a difference.  I am thankful for my family that are always there for me and have continued to stay by my side, even if they don’t understand sometimes what I am going through or why I do things I do.

Thing is, I have learned people do not want to know my problems, will avoid asking, will assume their own stories instead of asking what exactly I am going through, just so they don’t have to deal with whatever it is I might be going through.  Unfortunately that leads to judging me and assuming things about me that are not true.

I am thankful for my friends that stand by me, knowing I am going through things but are there to listen and just be there if I need a shoulder to cry on or just a hug to say they care.  No judgments, no back stabbing, just there for me.

I am thankful I have had a good life, even through the struggles.  I know I am better off than so many people and even though I may complain at times, I am living with a roof over my head, food in my tummy and able to help others if I need to.

I am thankful for my kids.  They are a blessing to me more than anything and to see them grow into adults and continue on with their own lives is the best gift I have to enjoy daily.

I am thankful that God gives me a chance every day to make a difference one way or another. He has given me many talents and creativity I am learning more about every day.  I just hope I am doing all I personally can with the small means I have available to make that difference.

Belle xo

*Beautiful picture from Pinterest

me, sharing, thoughts

Have You Ever Been Afraid to Let Go?

IMG_5500

I have to get this out of my head, share it and move on…..

Have you ever been afraid to let go of something you have known for so long?  Even if it is for the best.  Even if there have been so many reasons that it is better to let go than to hang on.  Even if it will make you happy?

I have been in this very spot for years.  I know it is for the best, but I have known it for so long, lived it for so long, it is scary to let go.

I have been in a relationship for over thirty years.  It scares the shit out of me to let it go.  It is all I have known for those thirty years.  Even knowing it is better for me to get out of it and move on, it is so damn hard! Have you ever been in something that long, known it was not good for you, yet you continued to have hope, continued to fight for it, continued to see the good side of it all?  Yet finally realize it wasn’t working, you weren’t making it change and it was actually hurting you not helping you to stay in it?

Then once you had finally gotten to that point, had given up, had gotten out, that the other person realized what had happened and finally started to say they were sorry, say they were going to change, say they had changed and were finally doing something to show for it….but, because of how this person has been over the years, saying all these things and not actually putting into action what they said, that you can’t believe them?  It tears you apart, breaks your heart and just hurts so much because it’s all you ever wanted and fought for up to where you finally let go.

I think what scares me the most is the change.  I have always said I love change.  Yet, here I am scared to death by this change because it is something so new and life changing that I have no idea how it will pan out.

When you have shared so much and gone through so much with a person and finally have to let them go, it makes you want to scream out, “WHY???”

“Why couldn’t you see this years ago when it first started? Why couldn’t you fight with me instead of waiting until I finally gave up? Why did you have to have these problems and why did it have to affect how we were and are?  Why couldn’t I fix it?  Why couldn’t I make a difference?  Why couldn’t I save us?  Why do I have to feel like such a failure? Why did I have to feel like I wasn’t good enough?  Why???????”

I am learning that it is not my fault, but I still get those feelings.  I still get those doubts.  I still feel like if I had just done something different it would have been okay, even knowing there wasn’t anything I could do.

I have always put others before myself and am learning to put myself first sometimes now.  I feel like it makes me look and sound like a narcissist, knowing I am furthest from such a person.  I have always been empathetic to others to a fault, taking on their problems if I can and putting myself in their shoes.  I care about others to a point my heart hurts and I lose myself for worrying about them.  I never realized that there are boundaries we must have and that people are responsible for their own problems and feelings and that I can’t take them on.  I can be there for them, support them, but it is not my responsibility to take them on as mine.

I must say through all this I have learned so much, about others and definitely about myself.  I just have to learn to move forward, to face change, and to trust that all will work out the way it is meant to.  The way God has planned it to work out.  It’s just really hard to see that it all will be okay at this point.

Belle xo

*Picture is from Pinterest