me, sharing, stripped, thoughts

Why?….

IMG_5700Okay…I am in the process of getting a divorce.  I fought for years trying to fix something that couldn’t be fixed because he was not ready to fix himself nor us.  After trying to explain to him the problems, show him the problems and even go to counseling to fix things once he was willing (after our first separation when I was finally done), he still was not there.

I can’t explain what I am going through.  I have been through so much.  And I am not saying this to get pity.  I’m not saying this to get a reaction from anyone.  But I just need to say all this and get it out of my head and heart….

When I tried for years to fix things with a person that couldn’t/wouldn’t see things and continued to be the same (locked in himself, lying to my face, manipulating my thoughts into believing I was wrong, even when I absolutely knew I was right, just so many things that I didn’t know how to handle or deal with) and I felt lost and was sinking into a person I didn’t know anymore.  I used to be a fighter.  I used to have confidence in what I wanted in life and a marriage.  I used to think we could have anything we needed and wanted if only we could get past this.

But to be shot down time and time again.  To question myself and my life constantly. To know there was something wrong and not be able to do something about it or even know what it was to do so, tore me in two.  It broke my heart, broke my trust and almost broke the person I am.  But I knew i had to get through it and get my kids out the door, into college and starting their own life so they could be better than we were, hopefully, in life.

I am not dramatizing things.  This is how I see/saw things through the years and as they got worse, so did I.  It finally got to a point where I was desperately searching for something I must be missing.  Searching for what could be the problem.  Searching for what could make me happy again.  I was so bad off I failed at my job.  I failed at being a friend and co-worker and failed at being a mom in some circumstances.  I felt ashamed and not good enough for anything.

After our first separation I gave him another chance when he begged me to.  I took him back in.  We decided to take up an offer to move and restart our lives somewhere new.  I went and started while he was to get the house ready to sell and then move out with me.  Yet he stayed away.  Once again, I felt abandoned and that I was not good enough.  After a year and a half of being in one place and he in another and only coming to see me on weekends and going into depression each time he was away on his own.

I finally told him I wanted separation again.  He would not take it.  He kept hanging on and refusing to accept I am done.  He is still doing so now.  Over 3 years after the first time I asked for a separation, he is still refusing to understand I am done.  I cannot trust him nor feel like there is something there to save anymore.  I fought for so long that I have lost all the hope I once had.  I am ready to move on and now all of a sudden he is ready to fight!!!

I can’t do this anymore! I don’t know how to make him understand without being mean and that is not me.  I don’t want anyone else to fight this battle for me but I am so needing God to help me or to make him understand it’s done.  I don’t know where to turn or what to do at this point without being a person I do not want to me because it is not me.

I love him but not enough to stay anymore.  I love him because he is the father of our children and we have been through so much together.  But I CANNOT keep doing this to myself!!!  I am exhausted and just ready to move on and try to be happy.  I have cried myself silly tonight because of it.  I honestly am lost at what to do.  It makes me feel sick.

I pray that no one else is going through this, because it is so damn hard and gut wrenching.  I never thought or wanted this to happen but I can’t help what is and what has happened.  It is life and I will get through it.   I just wish I had the help and guidance in what to do and how to do it right.

Thank you for reading my pity party/rant at life.

Next time I will be brighter ❤

Belle xo

*Picture found on Pinterest by artist Loui Jover