Hurting, thoughts

Haven’t Been Here

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So sorry I haven’t been here recently.  I am dealing with a lot and trying to work through it at the same time.  I have been at a writing conference and then working on some things regarding writing.  Trying to move forward in doing one of the things I love.

I am trying to not let things people say sway me to react and lose myself in being manipulated to act in the wrong way that I would be sorry in doing so.  I am a strong person but we all have our weaknesses and soft spots that can make us automatically react or act in the wrong way.  Several times recently I have had to stop myself, step back and breathe.

I am shaking, even at this moment, from something I received and read.  There are lies and half-truths about me in this document and it affected me to this point.  Unfortunately I know it is in part from hurting and reacting to something he believes.  I feel sorry for him, yet also I am angry that he is trying to hurt me in the same breath, in many ways.

I have been advised not to respond, so I am not.  But how I would love to!

I am an empathetic, loving, heart wide open person.  I have things I am working through, so I am guessing with me not talking about things, so that I can do this, it is making me look like a liar and a person hiding things.  Which I am sorry for, because that is not me, nor what I am meaning to do.

It’s amazing to me that some people have to constantly jump to their own conclusions and judgments regarding me.  Instead, I wish they would just come to me.  Ask me the questions they want to know.  If I can answer them, I will.  If I feel I need more time to understand things myself, I will tell that person so.

Anyway, I just really needed to get this all out of my head and heart.  I am really taking this a bit hard this time.

All my love,

Belle xo

Hurting, me, sharing

Did you ever think…?

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I wrote this because I am hurting right now.  I am hurting because the person I thought I would always have beside me and love had gone so far away from me I had to finally let go and find happiness.  I am hurting because he has decided to constantly lash out at me, since I have decided to let go, by blaming me for things he hears others say about me, and then tell those I love and are dear to me (that should not even be told these things), making my relationship strained and raw.

It was hard enough letting go of the one I had loved and swore I would never leave.  The one I spent years taking care of and supporting and being there through all the bad/sad/frustrating times.  The one I constantly tried to make happy and show I was happy no matter what we went through.  The one that fun, happy times together are the most wonderful memories I cherish.  And because of circumstances we both brought on from years of progressively going down a black hole, I had to leave.  It was the best thing for me to do.  He has finally learned how to stand on his own two feet and make something wonderful happen in his life.

Yet, he continues to try to make things hard for me and continues to try and find things that will hurt me because he is hurting.  So I had to get this out of me so that I can find my strength from within to continue moving forward and stop letting these thoughts and feelings bring me down as they have been in the recent days.

So, this I write from that place.  If you are reading this, bless you and thank you.

Belle xo

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Did you ever think…

That you had something to do with the change

That you lied on a constant basis

That you made promises and constantly broke them

That you made me feel I was wrong

That you made me feel I wasn’t worth it

That you left me alone

That you hurting hurt me too

That your pain was my pain

That all I wanted was you to come back

That I wanted you to fight for me, for us

That what you did and said affected not only me

That I hung on for years trusting

That my trust was constantly broken

That all I kept thinking was it had to get better

That if I threw back what you did to me you would see it hurt

That I found it didn’t change things

That I learned from you what I swore I would never do or be

That I turned into someone I didn’t know

That I let myself change in a bad way

That because you shut down, eventually so did I

Did you ever think or realize that what you throw out comes back to you?

Did you ever think that my love for you made me let go and find the need to move on?

And do you ever realize by hurting me you hurt those we love too?