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Fumbling Through

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*Pixabay

Do you ever feel like you are fumbling through life? Like no matter what you do and what decisions you make, they just lead you to the next fumbling stage?

I just want my life to be sound.  To not have to constantly worry about what is going to happen next, what bill is going to show up to be paid, what person is going to want something else from you or demand something be done, to make a stupid mistake and disappoint those you love, to continue to not do the right things.

I know I have made some good decisions in my life and I do not regret anything that has happened in my life. Any bad decisions or bad things that have happened are lessons learned and hopefully I won’t do them again.  Unfortunately that makes me not trust myself and my decisions at times.

It makes you wonder what you did in a past life (if there was one) that this life is paying for sometimes.   And if you make silly or bad decisions for yourself, what did you do regarding your kids, and are they okay?  Hopefully you did the best you could and they came out the better end of things.  I pray this is so!

I know we didn’t do things right at times and I know that we all learn as we go.  Just wishing at this moment I had been blessed with a business brain instead of a dreaming/creative brain.  It doesn’t seem to do anything for me but get me no where fast.   I know, that’s silly, because I have been told that I am blessed with a beautiful voice, a beautiful heart and soul.  Unfortunately, that hasn’t gotten me very far.  And here I am at an age where I should be enjoying myself.  The kids are grown and starting a life of their own.  I have time to travel and do things for myself and do the extra things I couldn’t before.  But having just gone through a divorce and trying to figure out my life all over again, and what direction to go, it’s not where I am.

So what do I do from here?

I have to make some big decisions and I know I have to do it when I am ready, but when will that be?  Why can’t they just be made for me? I know…I wouldn’t be happy or satisfied if someone else made it for me.  I have been told to not rush, take my time, so that the decisions I make will be what is right for me.  I know this to be true, but I let things distract me and it seems to take longer for me, especially longer than I want.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to read what is going on in my mind and hopefully I will continue to do more writing instead of sharing my mind/thoughts.  Ha!

Belle xo

 

 

Short story

The Peace That Lets You Breathe

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*Pixabay

Angie got in her car and headed south.  She wasn’t sure where she was going but knew she had to get away.  It took her the better part of four hours to get there but once she reached the beach area of South Carolina she knew she had found what she was looking for.

She got out of her car slowly, stripped down to her bathing suit, walked down across the sand and stepped in the lukewarm water.  Walking that way for a while just on the edge, she then stepped back up on the sand.  Finding a secluded area where she was sure others were not around, she sat down.  The sun felt so good on her face and body.

Taking a deep breath in, she sighed.  Peace.  The peace she needed and longed for.  At least for now.  She knew she had responsibilities and couldn’t stay long, but this is what she had been needing.  To get away from everything and everyone and just breathe.

Staying until she watched the beautiful sun set and stars come out over the ocean.  She then walked casually back to her car.  Breathing in deeply as she went.  Once back in her car, she sat there for a few minutes staring out over the sea before turning her car around and heading home.

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I can’t tell you the amount of times I have wanted to do just this.  To just get in my car and drive to the beach.  To sit on the sand and listen to the waves of the ocean to bring me peace of mind.  To still my thoughts and do nothing but listen and breathe.

Seeing this picture brought up those thoughts and feelings, so this story came out of it.

Belle xo

Short story, Uncategorized

Time and Space

*Pixabay

Breathing in, the smell of books, varnish and leather, she thrills at the prospect of what story to get lost in today.

Angie loves the library.  She has always felt in another world when there.  Looking up from where she is in the midst of a vast space of books on shelves, reaching up to the sky.  Like this world of books could go on and on without stopping into another world and dimension.  She could stay here forever.  Happy in knowing she will always be somewhere new each day.

She finds a book that she knows will take her away from this world into another for a while.  Going to a comfortable seat on a soft couch, she opens up the beautiful leather bound book to a bright new world and adventure.  She looks around her, no one is there and it is nice and quiet.  Looking back to the book fondly, she gives an excited smile.  Falling into the story, she loses herself once again.

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I love finding pictures that pull a story out of my head.  Something to start with and the possibilities of there being a future story are so open!

Belle xo

sharing, Uncategorized

Needing To Share

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*Pixabay

At this time in my life, I am feeling a bit out in left field.  I feel that one part of my life is closed and another is beginning, with the continuation of me going through it.  Does that make sense?

For the last 30 years I have had happy times, fun times, frustrating and upset times, along with all that is in between.  It has just been life.  Unfortunately I felt I wasn’t enough, nor made a difference, in a person’s life and had to walk away from all I have known for those last 30 years.  It truly is like grieving a loss as I have gone through this change.  I know it is for the best for us both and hopefully we will come out the other side with a better understanding of each other and why it all happened the way it did.

My absolute wish is that he finds stability and strength in himself that I always tried to make him see as I saw in him.

I have found in myself a person I knew myself to be as well as a person I did not know yet.  Funny how that happens when all you have is time to know yourself.  As I have gone through counseling in the last 2 1/2 years, I have learned that I am an emotional person and that is okay.  That I am very sensitive to others, want to please others (but now make sure there are boundaries in doing so), know that the reason I like being alone at times is my mind needs peace from others and the world when it is overwhelmed, realize when someone is trying to blame me for something they are actually to blame for or share in the blame for, and that even though I do not like conflict, at times I have to face it to get through it or end it immediately.  I even realize that I do not trust my own decisions at times, because I have made some pretty bad ones in the past.  And there is so much more.

I am very blessed to have family and friends that love me and support me.  Even if they do not understand what I am going through or why I do things at times right now, they trust that I will get through it and be okay.  They are there for me if I need them as I am here for them as well.

I have some life changing decisions to make.  And even though I do not have to make them at this moment I will have to make them soon.  (Which falls back on my not trusting myself still in making the right decisions.) I am learning to trust myself, what I do and the decisions, and moves, I make in life.  I have to realize that even though I love helping others and want them to be happy, I also have to be happy in what I do and how I live.  I have learned that this is not being selfish, but being smart.  Others respect you more if you respect them by telling them what you cannot do and giving them your boundaries.  That is not only showing respect to them but also to yourself.

Now one thing I have been upset about finding in myself is that I had started to react negatively if I was blamed for something and I was the person to blame.  I would turn it back around on something or someone else.  Now that person may have been partially to blame but I was not accepting my part in it.  Until it was thrown back at me that I did it. I could have hit the ground! I was ashamed that I had not realized I had picked up a bad habit of not completely accepting my wrong doings, especially when I used to pride myself in accepting when I did something wrong.  No one likes to be wrong but to accept and admit when you are is strength in itself.

I admit, I picked up some really bad habits in the last few years before and after my separation.  To protect myself and those I love, I blocked myself away from them.  I cut myself off basically.  I would not talk about my problems, what I was going through, nor what was going on with me.  I was both ashamed of what I was going through as well as not wanting to bring anyone into my problems and weigh them down with everything.  It was my cross to bear and my problems to fix or get through.  Therefore, everyone I love thought I was becoming someone they didn’t know anymore just because I would not talk or share.  They thought I didn’t trust nor love them anymore.  Especially my boys.  (For this I am so upset about and ashamed.)  I didn’t want them hurting any more than what they were going through seeing their parents separating.  Unfortunately, because I did this, they were getting only one side of the story.  I feel I have messed up my relationship with them because of this and it hurts so much.  They say they know and are not blind to things, but still, I don’t think they realize everything.

Anyway, I just had to put this all down because it has been rolling around in my head for quite a long time now.  I had to place it down somewhere, so why not here. Ha!

I am still going through things, as you see, but it is getting better every day.  I pray some day I will look back on this and think, “Sheesh, you over reacted!” (*Rolling eyes) Time will tell.

Thank you, once again, my friends for bearing with me and my sharing what is in my head and heart.

Have a wonderful weekend!! ❤

Belle xo

Postshare

People Pleasing

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*Picture from Pixabay

Fawning.

“People pleasing, otherwise known as Fawning, can be a result of trauma.”

I read recently a post regarding this very thing from a person named Sam Dylan Finch.  His blog is called Let’s Queer Things Up.

He says: “Most people know about fight, flight, and freeze — but another trauma response, “fawn,” is at the core of what people-pleasing is actually about.”

“To avoid conflict, negative emotions, and re-traumatization, people who “fawn” when triggered will go out of their way to mirror someone’s opinions and appease them in order to deescalate situations or potential issues.”

It is my understanding (in my perception of his take on this) that he basically says that in order to feel safe and loved a person will go out of their way to please those around them they have an emotional bond to, even if it takes away that person’s boundaries and morals.

To read more on this subject and the information he shares, go here to learn more.

Belle xo

Update

Update and Suggestions

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*Pixabay

I have been a bit AWOL lately.  Was dealing with a lot so decided to take a break.  I know I still have a lot to wade through but I am getting there.

Anyway, I am working on a couple of things, like audio work and writings.  I am hoping to soon have at least some audio work done and can share.  I understand it is the way forward so am working on getting that started and very excited about it!

If you listen to Podcasts and have not yet listened to Joanna Penn of The Creative Penn, I strongly recommend giving her a listen or check out her website!

Also, I recommend Unemployable Podcast! Great advise and information you might be interested in too.

So, that is my two cents for the day and will be back really soon!

Love you all!

Belle xo