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Poem, poetry, writing

The Love That Used to Fill My Heart

 

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The love that used to fill my heart

Is now just a lasting part

Of the past that have fond memories

For the way it all used to be

The first real love that filled me up

That I always thought would windup

My every joy and happiness blessed

I really never would have guessed

There would be a break in my life

To make me feel full of strife

But now I must move on

To other joys and loves beyond

This point I find myself now

For happiness to make I vow

To continue to learn and prosper

And never harvest or foster

The hurt I have felt up to this point

Yet to feel and anoint

Those around me with my joy

And never ever to destroy

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I feel this is kind of corny but it is basically what I have been feeling and wanted to get out for now.

Belle xo

 

Boundaries, me, sharing

Boundaries and Things I Have Learned

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I have learned that boundaries are a very important part of life and living a good, self-loving, happy life.  I used to be one of those people that always said “yes” to everything, even if it was not making me happy.  As long as I was making the person I said yes to happy, that was okay.  I have always been one to keep the peace.  To make others happy and keep conflict at bay.

I hated conflict.  Still do.  But I am learning that sometimes you must face conflict first, to not have it later on.

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That’s me^^ – At least it was me and I am still getting through a lot of these things.  I have always thought it important to make sure everyone else was happy.  Always believed others should come first before me.  Felt that I was selfish if I ever wanted to put myself first in anything.  Never felt I was good enough.  It’s very hard to work myself out of these beliefs that I have held on to for so long in my life.  Most of it really.

I am learning that to continue being like this I was losing myself and not being me. I was not the real me that loves to express herself through music, writing and other creative things.  I was cutting myself off to everything and everyone I love.

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The above list are things I had to start learning myself.  To believe in.  And to put into practice.  I have to constantly remind myself of these things more often than not.  It is an everyday battle to hold true to myself and do these things.  Once again, I feel I am causing conflict when I do these things.  When in all actuality I am just saving myself and being true to me by following and putting them into practice.

Do you have this problem too?

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Just like the meme above says, I stress out every time I have to put a boundary into practice.  That is my anxiety lashing out.  But I know it is to create a safe place for me.  And I also know that the more I do this and hold strong to the boundaries I place, I will make a better place for me, those I care about and want in my life.

I still let my anxiety and fear of conflict stop me from placing boundaries and/or following through when I do place them.  It is an ever continuing lesson I am learning and trying to hold to.  When not holding to boundaries I place, it causes even more conflict.  The one thing I continue to avoid!  You would think I would learn and hold on to it, faster than I am, just for this reason. (*rolling eyes*)

I will continue to push forward and be steadfast in these boundaries I need for me and those around me.

Do any of you have these struggles like me?  If so, I would love to know.  It’s nice to know we are not alone in this boundary process, learning and putting it into action.

Belle xo

 

DWP, thoughts, writing

Vicious

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Vicious

How do you control a Vicious person?

One that is wild and uncontrollable

That has no remorse for what they do

No sorrow or feelings for another human being

What do you do to stop a person such as this?

When the person is so Vicious they hurt someone

Hurt them with words and actions so brutally

That a person thinks all they can do is make themselves disappear

To hide from the world in fear that the hurt will continue if they don’t

How do you make it stop?

How do you make a Vicious, cruel person stop harming?

And turn them to a humane, remorseful, caring being

How?

*Click on the banner or the word prompt above to go to the Daily Word Prompt page*

 

 

me, sharing, venting

Pardon me – Vent Time

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*Picture from Pixabay

So sorry.  If you don’t want to read my vent please move on.  I just had to get this out of my head and my heart.

When does it get better???

First off, my ex does not want to let me go and has delayed in any way he can to get the divorce underway.  I get it.  I really do.  But I fought and tried for so long to hang in there, understand and fix things.  I finally gave up.  He, going through his counseling, etc, has now realized he wants to fight and fix things.  After we have gone through counseling and everything.  I am done, he is hanging on.  I can’t do this.  He has us on a constant rollercoaster ride of emotions.  I have tried to be understanding and my sensitive self does understand and has put herself in his shoes so many times. I can’t do that anymore now.  I am done.  I am tired and I just want closure.

Second, there is a psycho out there filling his head with things about me.  Showing him and telling him things that are supposedly me that are not true.  This person tells him that I am into all kinds of bad things and I am bad and then he says things like, “I don’t know you. And I don’t think I ever did.”  He believes them and tries to throw all this at me to make a difference.  It doesn’t.  Once again, believe what you want, but I am tired and so done with it all.  Tell them we are done and you don’t care so they will leave you alone!!

Third, he says he has found himself and who he is and is so much more confident in himself, etc…  That’s great and it is all I ever wanted for him.  Yet, he can’t let me go and he is constantly still focused on himself instead of how he is affecting me and those around him.  I know he has been through a lot of shit.  I know he has had to deal with so much crap in his PTSD and us.  But he has affected me through all this too.  So much so that he pushed me away, locked me out of his life, turned off his love for me by staying away from me (even with me right by his side), made me feel as if nothing I did was good enough, made me feel like I was constantly walking on egg shells and needing to watch anything I said and did so that he would have some kind of peace and I wouldn’t stir up anything to set him off.  He got more and more angry over the smallest things (never to the point he would hurt me or the kids), couldn’t do anything for himself that much and always saying he needed me or our kids to do something when it was very easy for him to do so himself, constantly told me lies and made promises he didn’t keep, and just overall went into himself completely.  How is anyone supposed to live like that?  To continue holding on when the other person is lost to them?  To continue to be the optimistic person she has always been?

I mean, even after we were going to marriage counseling it was constantly what was happening to him, what he was going through, what he did to us and how he felt.  Yes, he acknowledged things I said and acted like he heard and understood, but he would always go back to the focus being on him and how he was being affected.  He still does.  He lashes out verbally that he loves me and is fighting and I have given up and he doesn’t know me anymore, etc…  He wonders why I don’t want to talk over the phone, but each time I give in and do so, he starts back up again about all the above.

I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!  I am exhausted.  We have repeated everything over and over.  Emotions are a constant up and down when we “talk”.  He holds on to anything positive I say as it being I am okay with us and don’t want this divorce.  But that isn’t it.  I am who I am.  I don’t like to hurt anyone.  I try always to be the peace maker.  The one that is happy and cheerful and positive no matter what is going on and how I feel inside.

I have had anxiety attacks, self-doubt, shame, guilt (all things I am working on and getting better about because of my counseling and support around me).  I am at work or at home and it hits me (depression or emotions) and I just start crying.  For no reason!  I talk to God, as I always have, and know he is there supporting me and pulling me through all this.  Yet at times, as so many people have, I ask, “Why? why me God? What did I do so wrong?” and I know it’s silly but who doesn’t get to that point sometimes?

I just want to be done with all this drama and emotions.  I hate that we have come to this.  I hate that this is where we are when I thought we would always be together.

Well sometimes it just doesn’t work.  Sometimes you have to accept that and let go and move on.  That is where I am and I am not looking back now.  It is time to step forward and move on.

Thank you, if you stayed and read my vent.  I try not to do this often, but it is one of the reasons I started this blog, to have somewhere to be open and write the things I am going through and feeling so that it is no longer stuck in my head.

Bless you and I hope you have a wonderful week!

Belle xo

 

Lyrics, sharing, song

I Am by Christina Aguilera

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(*Picture from Pixabay)

I really enjoy music by Christina.  She has a great voice.  Was listening to her album, Bionic, and came across this song.  It hits me deep, especially where I am in my life right now.  Enjoy!

Belle xo

I Am

I am timid
And I am oversensitive
I am a lioness
I am tired and defensive
You take me in your arms
And I fold into you
I have insecurities
You show me I am beautiful

Love me or leave me just take it or leave it
It’s not that I’m needy just need you to see me
Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental
And I have imperfections
And I am emotional
I am unpredictable
I am naked
I am vulnerable
I am a woman
I am opening up to you

Love me or leave me, just take it or leave it
It’s not that I’m needy, just need you to see me
Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

Now I stand before you with my heart in my hands
I’m asking you to take me just the way that I am

Please lay down your arms
Do you know me?
Make me feel safe from harm

Oh just take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental
And I have imperfections
And I am emotional
There’ll be no more pretending

me, sharing, thoughts

Quite Emotional Today

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I am quite emotional today.  I have a lot on me and am letting it overwhelm me.  To the point I am anxious, over-thinking way too much, and feeling like I am about to drown in my own emotional pool.

I am trying to breathe and think of other things, even listen to some relaxing music.  Nothing seems to be helping at the moment.  I want to scream, run away, anything to get away from everything right now.

I know that is not feasible so I am just working through it.  It helps that while working a friend comes by just because, and I got a great big hug from him!  Then customers come in and keep me occupied.  So I finally had some distractions which is good.

If any of you go through this at times, what do you do to get through?

Belle xo