Hurting, me, sharing

Did you ever think…?

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I wrote this because I am hurting right now.  I am hurting because the person I thought I would always have beside me and love had gone so far away from me I had to finally let go and find happiness.  I am hurting because he has decided to constantly lash out at me, since I have decided to let go, by blaming me for things he hears others say about me, and then tell those I love and are dear to me (that should not even be told these things), making my relationship strained and raw.

It was hard enough letting go of the one I had loved and swore I would never leave.  The one I spent years taking care of and supporting and being there through all the bad/sad/frustrating times.  The one I constantly tried to make happy and show I was happy no matter what we went through.  The one that fun, happy times together are the most wonderful memories I cherish.  And because of circumstances we both brought on from years of progressively going down a black hole, I had to leave.  It was the best thing for me to do.  He has finally learned how to stand on his own two feet and make something wonderful happen in his life.

Yet, he continues to try to make things hard for me and continues to try and find things that will hurt me because he is hurting.  So I had to get this out of me so that I can find my strength from within to continue moving forward and stop letting these thoughts and feelings bring me down as they have been in the recent days.

So, this I write from that place.  If you are reading this, bless you and thank you.

Belle xo

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Did you ever think…

That you had something to do with the change

That you lied on a constant basis

That you made promises and constantly broke them

That you made me feel I was wrong

That you made me feel I wasn’t worth it

That you left me alone

That you hurting hurt me too

That your pain was my pain

That all I wanted was you to come back

That I wanted you to fight for me, for us

That what you did and said affected not only me

That I hung on for years trusting

That my trust was constantly broken

That all I kept thinking was it had to get better

That if I threw back what you did to me you would see it hurt

That I found it didn’t change things

That I learned from you what I swore I would never do or be

That I turned into someone I didn’t know

That I let myself change in a bad way

That because you shut down, eventually so did I

Did you ever think or realize that what you throw out comes back to you?

Did you ever think that my love for you made me let go and find the need to move on?

And do you ever realize by hurting me you hurt those we love too?

 

me, sharing, thoughts, venting

Do you ever?

 

fullsizeoutput_4c39 *Louis Jover

Do you ever feel like someone is leading the same life as you when reading their blog? Do you get people asking you if you are this other person?

I have.  And even though she is a great person, others think she is bad because of what she does and writes.

What is it when you are trying to straighten out your life and make it better, certain someones keep trying to manipulate others to think you are a certain way to make you look bad and like you should be ashamed.  No matter how good you are or how loving and helpful and open to others you are!!

I know I am strong, just from what I have gone through, but how much stronger do I have to be and how much longer??

I am just ready to move on and be happy.  I just wish others would be happy for me and love me for me.  For who I am.  Not who they want me to be.

Belle xo

me, sharing, thoughts

Why?…Choices…Life…

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Why does it hurt so bad?

To know that you loved someone for so long, fought for them, tried to explain to them things that hurt and needed to be corrected in the relationship.  Tried to “fix” things that could be seen yet they could not see it for years.  Loved them through all they went through, took care of them the best you could, and continue to do the things you needed to keep things going.  Giving up needs for yourself so they would be better and be happy.

I hate knowing that I did everything I could to make things good and happy for us and our family, putting aside things for me, believing that one day we would be happy again and able to do things we wanted to do.  I trusted that.  I hate that I unselfishly gave myself to others for so long, not knowing there needed to be boundaries and shared responsibilities to have a strong relationship.  I hate not knowing all this killed a relationship I trusted would be there always.

I hate knowing I made choices that have put me where I am.  I made the choice to take care of everything and everyone for years.  I made the choice to put my self-care and happiness aside so that others would be okay and happy.  I made the choice too late to do something about making me happy and leaving what I couldn’t control.  For me, I made the choice to stay in a relationship trusting that everything would eventually be okay.  And then having to make the choice that we are better off apart.

I’m not perfect. Lord knows I am so far from perfect!  And I am not saying I am or that I need sympathy or understanding.  Just needed to get this down, once again, and out of my head. (*covering face with hands*)

I also made the choice to find what was missing in my life.  What I could do to make me happy.  Yes, I may have made wrong choices in doing this.  Yes, I may have made mistakes.  I have learned from those mistakes.  As a matter of fact, I am still learning.

What some think is wrong where I am concerned and in the things I am doing, others believe in me and know I am on a journey to understand and feel good in myself.  We all need to understand ourselves and learn what is right in ourselves.  People say we only have so much time…to live, to do, to forgive, to do what is best, to learn, to be happy.  But, we do have time for all this.  We have our own time.  There is no reason to rush.  There is no reason to quickly take in everything you do and learn every day.

I am tired of being the one that is wrong, bad, a sinner… We are ALL wrong, bad and sinners in our own way.  It is the way of the world.  No one is perfect.  No one has the right to judge someone else.  No one has the right to tell someone else how to live and love.  We have to accept one another as we are.  We are all human.

Heaven forbid we lose someone, or ourselves pass away, too soon.  Make sure you share your love with all those that matter to you.  Make sure that those that you love know you do and feel it.  Make sure that those that have hurt you know you have forgiven them and moved on.  Let those around you feel your love and peace through all you do and say.

We all have the time we have.  Use it wisely and enjoy the journey.

I will step down now.  Thank you for your attention so that I could share.  🙂

Belle xo

*Pic from Pixabay

me, sharing, thoughts

My Truth

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I have been blessed with a wonderful family and good friends.

I have been happy for most of my life, except when I felt lied to, unappreciated, misunderstood and looked over.  I have recently, in the last 5 years, made a move to change my life.  To find the me that I have lost and to understand why I have turned out at this time the way I am.  I have always been focused on the people around me.  Making sure they are happy and there is no conflict.  I put myself and my needs aside to make sure others’ needs were met first.  I was always taught that others’ needs should come before mine.  To think of myself first was being selfish and not right.

I have recently found that what I was taught was only half right.  Yes, I should think of others, but I also should think of myself.  Sometimes I need to be taken care of so that I can take care of others.  I feel that by me finding that I need to take care of my needs, those around me think I am being selfish or even narcissistic in my actions.  This is furthest from the truth.  I am empathetic to all around me, to the point I sometimes lose myself by putting myself in someone else’s shoes.  I have always put others happiness first.  Even now I question myself anytime I put myself first and what that looks like to others, which is so wrong.  We should each be able to do things in our lives that makes us happy too.  How can we enjoy life and all it has to offer if we have to constantly worry about others that should be taking care of themselves and their happiness.

Yes, there are some that need help and there is a difference where that is concerned. There are parents, grandparents, children, ill and disabled individuals that need extra help.  This is a given and not what I am talking about here.

Because of how I have handled things and dealt with things for the past 30 to 40 years, and realizing it should be different, I am learning, it seems, all over again.  There should have been boundaries and communication.  In all my relationships.

Even now, I still have a hard time developing close friendships.  I fear each relationship will end the same as they always have.  I over-think and over-worry about things.  Yet, I also know if I don’t take a step forward in trying to develop a close relationship I will never have one.  Trust is earned on both sides and it takes time, energy and communication from both parties to make it work.

I have learned so much, not only from my failed marriage, all I am going through because of it and that I am not alone, but that there are such things as boundaries, knowing your worth and telling and knowing your truth.  And above all, love yourself because only you and God will, if no one else.

Belle xo

 

 

Fun, Short story, Tell The Story

Tell the Story

img_2612Kristian included me in the Tell the Story prompt and I haven’t had the wherewithal to sit down and respond until now.  So sorry Kristian! (*Hands over face*)

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I looked around as we went down this long drive lined by trees with a questioning look on my face.

“Well you always wanted to be a princess in a renaissance castle.  So now you are.” Maggie said as we came to a stop.

I was wondering why they had me dress in this renaissance garb and head-dress.  We had reached a castle and as they guided me inside, I saw my friends were all standing around talking.  When we walked through the grand doors our presence was announced.  I could feel my cheeks flush and we continued to proceed to the long table prepared in front of us and in front of all.  They had me sit in the middle beside my best friend and our other friends sat on either side of us.  We were the royalty for the night.

We danced and had our fill of food and drink.  I was the happiest girl in the world!

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I continue this Tell the Story challenge by nominating the following bloggers to post any type of response at all to the picture below:

Nirant138

TherapyBits

YoungPoetsView

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Belle xo

 

 

 

me, sharing, song

Songs That Mean Something to Me

Shakira’s “What We Said” has a pretty strong point, where two people say and do things that can’t be changed and change them forever.  People don’t realize their actions and things they say have such an impact on those they love and share things with.  If only we would know ahead of time what we should do, the right way.

Christina Aguilera’s song “Stronger Than Ever” hits close to me and what I have gone through.  The actions of someone I love affected me.  It is not his fault I reacted the way I eventually did, but I had to find myself again after being so lost in trying to do right by him and help him.

Demi Lovato’s song “Old Ways” says she had to change from her old ways and find herself again.  Just like Christina’s song affected me, this one does as well, for this very reason.  Sometimes we get lost in trying to be something or someone we are not, just to please others and what they think we should be like.  You have to pull yourself up and find the real you and be happy in who and what you are.

Just some pretty powerful songs (at least to me) that I wanted to share.

Belle xo