Why does it hurt so bad?
To know that you loved someone for so long, fought for them, tried to explain to them things that hurt and needed to be corrected in the relationship. Tried to “fix” things that could be seen yet they could not see it for years. Loved them through all they went through, took care of them the best you could, and continue to do the things you needed to keep things going. Giving up needs for yourself so they would be better and be happy.
I hate knowing that I did everything I could to make things good and happy for us and our family, putting aside things for me, believing that one day we would be happy again and able to do things we wanted to do. I trusted that. I hate that I unselfishly gave myself to others for so long, not knowing there needed to be boundaries and shared responsibilities to have a strong relationship. I hate not knowing all this killed a relationship I trusted would be there always.
I hate knowing I made choices that have put me where I am. I made the choice to take care of everything and everyone for years. I made the choice to put my self-care and happiness aside so that others would be okay and happy. I made the choice too late to do something about making me happy and leaving what I couldn’t control. For me, I made the choice to stay in a relationship trusting that everything would eventually be okay. And then having to make the choice that we are better off apart.
I’m not perfect. Lord knows I am so far from perfect! And I am not saying I am or that I need sympathy or understanding. Just needed to get this down, once again, and out of my head. (*covering face with hands*)
I also made the choice to find what was missing in my life. What I could do to make me happy. Yes, I may have made wrong choices in doing this. Yes, I may have made mistakes. I have learned from those mistakes. As a matter of fact, I am still learning.
What some think is wrong where I am concerned and in the things I am doing, others believe in me and know I am on a journey to understand and feel good in myself. We all need to understand ourselves and learn what is right in ourselves. People say we only have so much time…to live, to do, to forgive, to do what is best, to learn, to be happy. But, we do have time for all this. We have our own time. There is no reason to rush. There is no reason to quickly take in everything you do and learn every day.
I am tired of being the one that is wrong, bad, a sinner… We are ALL wrong, bad and sinners in our own way. It is the way of the world. No one is perfect. No one has the right to judge someone else. No one has the right to tell someone else how to live and love. We have to accept one another as we are. We are all human.
Heaven forbid we lose someone, or ourselves pass away, too soon. Make sure you share your love with all those that matter to you. Make sure that those that you love know you do and feel it. Make sure that those that have hurt you know you have forgiven them and moved on. Let those around you feel your love and peace through all you do and say.
We all have the time we have. Use it wisely and enjoy the journey.
I will step down now. Thank you for your attention so that I could share. 🙂
*Pic from Pixabay