I have been blessed with a wonderful family and good friends.
I have been happy for most of my life, except when I felt lied to, unappreciated, misunderstood and looked over. I have recently, in the last 5 years, made a move to change my life. To find the me that I have lost and to understand why I have turned out at this time the way I am. I have always been focused on the people around me. Making sure they are happy and there is no conflict. I put myself and my needs aside to make sure others’ needs were met first. I was always taught that others’ needs should come before mine. To think of myself first was being selfish and not right.
I have recently found that what I was taught was only half right. Yes, I should think of others, but I also should think of myself. Sometimes I need to be taken care of so that I can take care of others. I feel that by me finding that I need to take care of my needs, those around me think I am being selfish or even narcissistic in my actions. This is furthest from the truth. I am empathetic to all around me, to the point I sometimes lose myself by putting myself in someone else’s shoes. I have always put others happiness first. Even now I question myself anytime I put myself first and what that looks like to others, which is so wrong. We should each be able to do things in our lives that makes us happy too. How can we enjoy life and all it has to offer if we have to constantly worry about others that should be taking care of themselves and their happiness.
Yes, there are some that need help and there is a difference where that is concerned. There are parents, grandparents, children, ill and disabled individuals that need extra help. This is a given and not what I am talking about here.
Because of how I have handled things and dealt with things for the past 30 to 40 years, and realizing it should be different, I am learning, it seems, all over again. There should have been boundaries and communication. In all my relationships.
Even now, I still have a hard time developing close friendships. I fear each relationship will end the same as they always have. I over-think and over-worry about things. Yet, I also know if I don’t take a step forward in trying to develop a close relationship I will never have one. Trust is earned on both sides and it takes time, energy and communication from both parties to make it work.
I have learned so much, not only from my failed marriage, all I am going through because of it and that I am not alone, but that there are such things as boundaries, knowing your worth and telling and knowing your truth. And above all, love yourself because only you and God will, if no one else.