me, sharing, venting

Pardon me – Vent Time

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*Picture from Pixabay

So sorry.  If you don’t want to read my vent please move on.  I just had to get this out of my head and my heart.

When does it get better???

First off, my ex does not want to let me go and has delayed in any way he can to get the divorce underway.  I get it.  I really do.  But I fought and tried for so long to hang in there, understand and fix things.  I finally gave up.  He, going through his counseling, etc, has now realized he wants to fight and fix things.  After we have gone through counseling and everything.  I am done, he is hanging on.  I can’t do this.  He has us on a constant rollercoaster ride of emotions.  I have tried to be understanding and my sensitive self does understand and has put herself in his shoes so many times. I can’t do that anymore now.  I am done.  I am tired and I just want closure.

Second, there is a psycho out there filling his head with things about me.  Showing him and telling him things that are supposedly me that are not true.  This person tells him that I am into all kinds of bad things and I am bad and then he says things like, “I don’t know you. And I don’t think I ever did.”  He believes them and tries to throw all this at me to make a difference.  It doesn’t.  Once again, believe what you want, but I am tired and so done with it all.  Tell them we are done and you don’t care so they will leave you alone!!

Third, he says he has found himself and who he is and is so much more confident in himself, etc…  That’s great and it is all I ever wanted for him.  Yet, he can’t let me go and he is constantly still focused on himself instead of how he is affecting me and those around him.  I know he has been through a lot of shit.  I know he has had to deal with so much crap in his PTSD and us.  But he has affected me through all this too.  So much so that he pushed me away, locked me out of his life, turned off his love for me by staying away from me (even with me right by his side), made me feel as if nothing I did was good enough, made me feel like I was constantly walking on egg shells and needing to watch anything I said and did so that he would have some kind of peace and I wouldn’t stir up anything to set him off.  He got more and more angry over the smallest things (never to the point he would hurt me or the kids), couldn’t do anything for himself that much and always saying he needed me or our kids to do something when it was very easy for him to do so himself, constantly told me lies and made promises he didn’t keep, and just overall went into himself completely.  How is anyone supposed to live like that?  To continue holding on when the other person is lost to them?  To continue to be the optimistic person she has always been?

I mean, even after we were going to marriage counseling it was constantly what was happening to him, what he was going through, what he did to us and how he felt.  Yes, he acknowledged things I said and acted like he heard and understood, but he would always go back to the focus being on him and how he was being affected.  He still does.  He lashes out verbally that he loves me and is fighting and I have given up and he doesn’t know me anymore, etc…  He wonders why I don’t want to talk over the phone, but each time I give in and do so, he starts back up again about all the above.

I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!  I am exhausted.  We have repeated everything over and over.  Emotions are a constant up and down when we “talk”.  He holds on to anything positive I say as it being I am okay with us and don’t want this divorce.  But that isn’t it.  I am who I am.  I don’t like to hurt anyone.  I try always to be the peace maker.  The one that is happy and cheerful and positive no matter what is going on and how I feel inside.

I have had anxiety attacks, self-doubt, shame, guilt (all things I am working on and getting better about because of my counseling and support around me).  I am at work or at home and it hits me (depression or emotions) and I just start crying.  For no reason!  I talk to God, as I always have, and know he is there supporting me and pulling me through all this.  Yet at times, as so many people have, I ask, “Why? why me God? What did I do so wrong?” and I know it’s silly but who doesn’t get to that point sometimes?

I just want to be done with all this drama and emotions.  I hate that we have come to this.  I hate that this is where we are when I thought we would always be together.

Well sometimes it just doesn’t work.  Sometimes you have to accept that and let go and move on.  That is where I am and I am not looking back now.  It is time to step forward and move on.

Thank you, if you stayed and read my vent.  I try not to do this often, but it is one of the reasons I started this blog, to have somewhere to be open and write the things I am going through and feeling so that it is no longer stuck in my head.

Bless you and I hope you have a wonderful week!

Belle xo

 

Lyrics, sharing, song

I Am by Christina Aguilera

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(*Picture from Pixabay)

I really enjoy music by Christina.  She has a great voice.  Was listening to her album, Bionic, and came across this song.  It hits me deep, especially where I am in my life right now.  Enjoy!

Belle xo

I Am

I am timid
And I am oversensitive
I am a lioness
I am tired and defensive
You take me in your arms
And I fold into you
I have insecurities
You show me I am beautiful

Love me or leave me just take it or leave it
It’s not that I’m needy just need you to see me
Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental
And I have imperfections
And I am emotional
I am unpredictable
I am naked
I am vulnerable
I am a woman
I am opening up to you

Love me or leave me, just take it or leave it
It’s not that I’m needy, just need you to see me
Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

Now I stand before you with my heart in my hands
I’m asking you to take me just the way that I am

Please lay down your arms
Do you know me?
Make me feel safe from harm

Oh just take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental
And I have imperfections
And I am emotional
There’ll be no more pretending

me, sharing, thoughts

Quite Emotional Today

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I am quite emotional today.  I have a lot on me and am letting it overwhelm me.  To the point I am anxious, over-thinking way too much, and feeling like I am about to drown in my own emotional pool.

I am trying to breathe and think of other things, even listen to some relaxing music.  Nothing seems to be helping at the moment.  I want to scream, run away, anything to get away from everything right now.

I know that is not feasible so I am just working through it.  It helps that while working a friend comes by just because, and I got a great big hug from him!  Then customers come in and keep me occupied.  So I finally had some distractions which is good.

If any of you go through this at times, what do you do to get through?

Belle xo

 

 

Award, SunshineBlogger

Sunshine Blogger Award

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Thank you so much from Kristian of Tales from the mind of Kristian. I am so honored that you would think so highly of me to nominate me for this award.

Sunshine Blogger Award

The Rules

  1. Thank the person who nominated you and provide a link back to their blog so others can find them – Thank you, Laura, you are totally a star. 🙂
  2. Answer the 11 questions asked by the blogger who nominated you.
  3. Nominate 11 other bloggers and ask them 11 new questions.
  4. Notify the nominees about it on one of their own posts.
  5. List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award logo on your post and/or your blog site.

Questions from Kristian of Tales from the mind of Kristian:

  1. If you knew someone who had given up on reading, what book would you give them to get them interested? I think I would ask first, why they gave up on reading.  Then find out what they like to read most.
  2. What do you consider one of your character flaws?  Being too nice and not wanting to hurt anyone.
  3. What is the last song you listened to before reading this?  Last Dance by Dua Lipa
  4. What would you like people to know about you, that may not be obvious?  I am so open on here of who I am and what I go through, if anyone wants to know more they can ask 🙂
  5. What impression would you like to leave people with?  That I am a good, warm, caring, loving person and am approachable
  6. If you had to sing something in public, what song would you choose?  I love so many and am really good at Crazy by Patsy Cline or Heat Wave by Linda Ronstadt
  7. Name a book that you are intending to read, at some point.  Do I Make Myself Clear by Harold Evans
  8. Do you have a favourite artist/painter, who are they?  Leonardo de Vinci definitely one of them
  9. What subject that isn’t normally taught in schools, do you think should be?  They no longer teach cursive in schools which I think is a shame.
  10. Do you have a pet? What animal is it, or what animal would you like to have?  Yes, a kitty and she is such a sweetie
  11. You wake up at 2am and can’t sleep. What do you do?  Put on sleep sounds

 

I am only nominating 4 bloggers since I don’t know that many yet.  And my nominees are…:

Sandmanjazz

JennyInNeverland

PointlessOverthinking

DenaesPieces

The following are the few questions I have for my nominees:

*What’s your favorite food, song and game?

*What is your dream job?

*If you had a way to change one thing in the world, what would it be?

*What’s your favorite animal?

*What is your next short story going to be about?

You all are the best and congratulations! Now, anyone reading this, please go to these bloggers pages and show them your support! ❤

Belle xo

 

Award, MysteryBlogger

Mystery Blogger Award

Thank you Sadje of Keep It Alive for this exciting award nomination.  I don’t feel worthy but will try to be so in the coming year. 🙂

img_5451What is the Mystery Blogger Award?


“The Mystery Blogger Award is an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging, and they do it with so much love and passion.” – Okoto Enigma

The Old Rules:


1. Put the award logo on your blog.
✔️
2. List the rules.
✔️
3. Thank whoever nominated you and include a link to their blog.
✔️
4. Mention the creator of the award and provide a link to their blog as well.
✔️
5. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.
✔️
6. Nominate 10-20 people. (or use a get out of nominating free card)
🔜🔻💭
7. Notify your nominees.
✔️
8. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice, specifying one weird/funny question.
✔️
9. Share a link to your best post(s).
✔️

New recommendation by Rory;

Award Guidance

Thank whoever gifted you and include a link to their blog✔️

Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well✔️

Tell your readers 3 things about yourself✔️

Answer the questions from the person who gifted you the Award.✔️

Choose 3 – 5 bloggers that you wish to gift the Award to.✔️

 

Three things about myself:

  1. I am new to the blogging community (since August 2018), but not to social media nor to writing.
  2. I love music, writing, singing, traveling, friends and family
  3. I am going to try hard to do some sort of writing 1 to 2 times a week this year

 

Questions from Sadje of Keep It Alive ;

If you could choose one super power, what would it be and why? ( Funny, If it’s not already apparent) My one super power (of which I find a pain in the arse) is my sensitivity to others and my surroundings.  I am learning how to work with it now.  It used to rule my emotions and life.

What stimulates your brain to produce its best, a beverage, a muse or anything else? Music is one definite stimulant.  Reading is another.  Sometimes even a glass of wine.

If you are alone in the house and a door slams upstairs with sound of running feet, what are you going to do?  Thank goodness I don’t have an upstairs, but if I did, knowing I was alone and know one has been there, I would most likely think it was my imagination and go check it out cautiously (with cell phone in hand, just in case, of course).  😉

Seeing your image in the mirror, what is the predominant thought?  My hair is a mess, I need to call my girl! Ha!

What sort of movie you have to go and see, even if the ticket is $100? And there will no Netflix or DVD release!  There is not a movie worth that to me! I can do without.

Is climate change theory real or a conspiracy to save the earth?  Well, just looking at all the crazy weather we are having each year, and it seems to get worse each year, I would say it is real!

Okay, now the hard part… who to choose, who to choose….

So many of those I know have been chosen time and time again.  No doubt they are great and deserve it.  I know this for a fact.  I am picking 5 bloggers that I have recently found and follow for my nominees:

Jade M Wong

Bee of Bee Writes

Therapy Bits

Jay-len Doerksen

Victoria Stuart

My questions are:

Where is the one place in the world you would most like to see?

What is one thing you would like the blogging world to know about you?

Do you believe in magic?

What helps you focus on your writing?

If you could, what would you like to do differently for your blog?

You guys are great and all those reading this, please check these bloggers pages out and give them your support! ❤ 

Belle xo

me, sharing

So, Life Goes On

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So, I haven’t been here for a few days because my aunt passed away and so I have been spending it with family.  She was my father’s brother’s wife.  A wonderful woman that I looked up to.  During her funeral service they asked if anyone felt moved to share any thoughts or memories to stand and share.  I did not stand.  However, I had so many memories running through my head.

One of the memories of my childhood was when my sister and I stayed with my aunt and uncle one summer and we helped clean, I think, the Shriner’s Club.  I remember the ash trays we had to dump, cleaning the tables, vacuuming and as we did these things, my aunt had the old country music going and we sang along as we worked.  So, even though we were working we had fun while doing it.

She was a strong woman.  In strength and spirit.  She didn’t look like it.  She looked pampered and spoiled but she was far from it.  She spoke her mind and had strong beliefs and did not back down from those beliefs.  She worked hard when she had to and helped others as much as she could.  I loved just watching her.

Since my younger days, when we would get together with the family more often, we progressively did not get together as often and saw everyone less frequently.  We were hours away where we lived and had our own lives to live.  It’s sad when you don’t live close to family because you grow apart.  Even though the love is still there, you’re just not close.

Every time we have a family funeral, we cousins always say we need to get together and make plans, but life takes over again and we don’t until the next one occurs.  It’s sad, but that’s how it is and life goes on, it just continues on.

Belle xo

me, sharing

Blessed and Thankful

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I have had a lot of time to think today.  Probably too much time.  I wanted to pull my hair out at one point because every time my mind started doing that anxious over thinking thing it likes to do, I would try to pull myself together, occupy myself and keep going.

As I have shared before, when my mind gets in that anxious over thinking state, I get depressed, I cry for no reason, I have all these stupid false thoughts I can’t get to shut up.  So I message friends, read, do anything that might occupy my mind so it will be quiet.

So, when I messaged one friend in the afternoon that I was bored to death and needed to talk, he was going in somewhere and asked if maybe I wanted to go to the movies to occupy me.  Boy did I jump at that!  YES!!  So once I was done with work he picked me up and we went to see Bohemian Rhapsody.

Before that another friend came by and we sat talking for about an hour.  I needed that too.  She and I have similar problems so it is great to be able to sit down and tell each other what is going on and share things.  Helps us both out a lot!

So, needless to say, I ended up feeling much better this evening.  First by talking to my one friend and then, by getting away and watching a movie with another friend.  Friends like these two are a blessing and I am so thankful for them!  I just hope I help them out when they need it too.

Belle xo