I have to get this out of my head, share it and move on…..
Have you ever been afraid to let go of something you have known for so long? Even if it is for the best. Even if there have been so many reasons that it is better to let go than to hang on. Even if it will make you happy?
I have been in this very spot for years. I know it is for the best, but I have known it for so long, lived it for so long, it is scary to let go.
I have been in a relationship for over thirty years. It scares the shit out of me to let it go. It is all I have known for those thirty years. Even knowing it is better for me to get out of it and move on, it is so damn hard! Have you ever been in something that long, known it was not good for you, yet you continued to have hope, continued to fight for it, continued to see the good side of it all? Yet finally realize it wasn’t working, you weren’t making it change and it was actually hurting you not helping you to stay in it?
Then once you had finally gotten to that point, had given up, had gotten out, that the other person realized what had happened and finally started to say they were sorry, say they were going to change, say they had changed and were finally doing something to show for it….but, because of how this person has been over the years, saying all these things and not actually putting into action what they said, that you can’t believe them? It tears you apart, breaks your heart and just hurts so much because it’s all you ever wanted and fought for up to where you finally let go.
I think what scares me the most is the change. I have always said I love change. Yet, here I am scared to death by this change because it is something so new and life changing that I have no idea how it will pan out.
When you have shared so much and gone through so much with a person and finally have to let them go, it makes you want to scream out, “WHY???”
“Why couldn’t you see this years ago when it first started? Why couldn’t you fight with me instead of waiting until I finally gave up? Why did you have to have these problems and why did it have to affect how we were and are? Why couldn’t I fix it? Why couldn’t I make a difference? Why couldn’t I save us? Why do I have to feel like such a failure? Why did I have to feel like I wasn’t good enough? Why???????”
I am learning that it is not my fault, but I still get those feelings. I still get those doubts. I still feel like if I had just done something different it would have been okay, even knowing there wasn’t anything I could do.
I have always put others before myself and am learning to put myself first sometimes now. I feel like it makes me look and sound like a narcissist, knowing I am furthest from such a person. I have always been empathetic to others to a fault, taking on their problems if I can and putting myself in their shoes. I care about others to a point my heart hurts and I lose myself for worrying about them. I never realized that there are boundaries we must have and that people are responsible for their own problems and feelings and that I can’t take them on. I can be there for them, support them, but it is not my responsibility to take them on as mine.
I must say through all this I have learned so much, about others and definitely about myself. I just have to learn to move forward, to face change, and to trust that all will work out the way it is meant to. The way God has planned it to work out. It’s just really hard to see that it all will be okay at this point.
*Picture is from Pinterest