me, sharing, stripped, thoughts

Why?….

IMG_5700Okay…I am in the process of getting a divorce.  I fought for years trying to fix something that couldn’t be fixed because he was not ready to fix himself nor us.  After trying to explain to him the problems, show him the problems and even go to counseling to fix things once he was willing (after our first separation when I was finally done), he still was not there.

I can’t explain what I am going through.  I have been through so much.  And I am not saying this to get pity.  I’m not saying this to get a reaction from anyone.  But I just need to say all this and get it out of my head and heart….

When I tried for years to fix things with a person that couldn’t/wouldn’t see things and continued to be the same (locked in himself, lying to my face, manipulating my thoughts into believing I was wrong, even when I absolutely knew I was right, just so many things that I didn’t know how to handle or deal with) and I felt lost and was sinking into a person I didn’t know anymore.  I used to be a fighter.  I used to have confidence in what I wanted in life and a marriage.  I used to think we could have anything we needed and wanted if only we could get past this.

But to be shot down time and time again.  To question myself and my life constantly. To know there was something wrong and not be able to do something about it or even know what it was to do so, tore me in two.  It broke my heart, broke my trust and almost broke the person I am.  But I knew i had to get through it and get my kids out the door, into college and starting their own life so they could be better than we were, hopefully, in life.

I am not dramatizing things.  This is how I see/saw things through the years and as they got worse, so did I.  It finally got to a point where I was desperately searching for something I must be missing.  Searching for what could be the problem.  Searching for what could make me happy again.  I was so bad off I failed at my job.  I failed at being a friend and co-worker and failed at being a mom in some circumstances.  I felt ashamed and not good enough for anything.

After our first separation I gave him another chance when he begged me to.  I took him back in.  We decided to take up an offer to move and restart our lives somewhere new.  I went and started while he was to get the house ready to sell and then move out with me.  Yet he stayed away.  Once again, I felt abandoned and that I was not good enough.  After a year and a half of being in one place and he in another and only coming to see me on weekends and going into depression each time he was away on his own.

I finally told him I wanted separation again.  He would not take it.  He kept hanging on and refusing to accept I am done.  He is still doing so now.  Over 3 years after the first time I asked for a separation, he is still refusing to understand I am done.  I cannot trust him nor feel like there is something there to save anymore.  I fought for so long that I have lost all the hope I once had.  I am ready to move on and now all of a sudden he is ready to fight!!!

I can’t do this anymore! I don’t know how to make him understand without being mean and that is not me.  I don’t want anyone else to fight this battle for me but I am so needing God to help me or to make him understand it’s done.  I don’t know where to turn or what to do at this point without being a person I do not want to me because it is not me.

I love him but not enough to stay anymore.  I love him because he is the father of our children and we have been through so much together.  But I CANNOT keep doing this to myself!!!  I am exhausted and just ready to move on and try to be happy.  I have cried myself silly tonight because of it.  I honestly am lost at what to do.  It makes me feel sick.

I pray that no one else is going through this, because it is so damn hard and gut wrenching.  I never thought or wanted this to happen but I can’t help what is and what has happened.  It is life and I will get through it.   I just wish I had the help and guidance in what to do and how to do it right.

Thank you for reading my pity party/rant at life.

Next time I will be brighter ❤

Belle xo

*Picture found on Pinterest by artist Loui Jover

Uncategorized

Music Is Healing by Florida Georgia Line

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I love this song.  It speaks volumes to me and I’m sure so many other people.  Music is healing and if not healing, it helps us through some hard times.  It gets us through.  

Music Is Healing

Tears on a six string
Another angel gone leavin’ you all alone
Dealin’ with your demons
I know you layin’ there wonderin’
If your prayers ever make it through the ceilin’ too
Yeah I know what you goin’ through

If I could write the perfect song
We could let the right out of all the wrongs
Would you close your eyes, would you let it in?
Would you light a candle against the wind?
If I could sing the perfect words
And change the world from hurt to hurt
We’re all feelin’ stop the bleedin’
You’re back to believin’
Love is the answer and music is healin’

And there’s a lot of souls lookin’ for the high road
Everybody’s needin’
Maybe just a little simple melody
Is all we need to keep our boomin’ hearts beatin’ true
And get the whole world in tune

If I could write the perfect song
We could let the right out of all the wrongs
Would you close your eyes, would you let it in?
Would you light a candle against the wind?
If I could sing the perfect words
And change the world from hurt to hurt
We’re all feelin’ stop the bleedin’
You’re back to believin’
Love is the answer and music is healin’

Yeah I know in my heart of hearts that we where we’re supposed to be
And everybody’s got the strugs but we can live in harmony, yeah
Your song is played
It’s gonna save us
When you layin’ there wonderin’ if your prayers ever make it through the ceilin’ too
Yeah I know what you goin’ through

If I could write the perfect song
We could let the right out of all the wrongs
Would you close your eyes, would you let it in?
Would you light a candle against the wind?
If I could sing the perfect words
And change the world from hurt to hurt
We’re all feelin’ stop the bleedin’
You’re back to believin’
Love is the answer and music is healin’

Songwriters: JORDAN SCHMIDT,TYLER REED HUBBARD,BRIAN KELLEY,CRAIG MICHAEL WISEMAN
© Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
For non-commercial use only.
—————
Belle xo
*Picture from Pinterest
me, sharing, Thankful, thoughts

I Am Thankful

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I have so many reasons to be thankful.

I am thankful to be alive every day and have the opportunity to possibly experience something new, possibly help someone or possibly make a difference.  I am thankful for my family that are always there for me and have continued to stay by my side, even if they don’t understand sometimes what I am going through or why I do things I do.

Thing is, I have learned people do not want to know my problems, will avoid asking, will assume their own stories instead of asking what exactly I am going through, just so they don’t have to deal with whatever it is I might be going through.  Unfortunately that leads to judging me and assuming things about me that are not true.

I am thankful for my friends that stand by me, knowing I am going through things but are there to listen and just be there if I need a shoulder to cry on or just a hug to say they care.  No judgments, no back stabbing, just there for me.

I am thankful I have had a good life, even through the struggles.  I know I am better off than so many people and even though I may complain at times, I am living with a roof over my head, food in my tummy and able to help others if I need to.

I am thankful for my kids.  They are a blessing to me more than anything and to see them grow into adults and continue on with their own lives is the best gift I have to enjoy daily.

I am thankful that God gives me a chance every day to make a difference one way or another. He has given me many talents and creativity I am learning more about every day.  I just hope I am doing all I personally can with the small means I have available to make that difference.

Belle xo

*Beautiful picture from Pinterest

me, Questions, sharing

20 Questions

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20 Questions

• What’s the most dangerous situation you have ever been in?

–On an icy interstate in rush hour traffic with the family in the car and a semi truck behind me having to slam on his brakes and he comes sliding toward me and ended up stopping inches from our back end!  It could have ended up so much worse!

• What’s your favourite culture?

–The 80s culture which was music culture with MTV, pop music and big hair metal bands.

• What do you dislike about your own culture?

–Our current culture is all electronic devices, social networks and online everything. This is both good and bad.  While it has people constantly with their noses in a device its also great way to reach all kinds of places all over the world.

• Your favourite type of travel?

–Flying and road trips

• Do you feel understood?

–Not always

• How do you feel about your body?

–Some parts of my body are great, others need help

• What is your favourite film?

–So many!! Love romantic comedies

• Are you adventurous with food?

–I like to try new things at least once.

• Have you ever hated a place and wanted to come home?

–Haven’t really hated anywhere, but have been disappointed a couple of times

• Are you bothered about others seeing you naked?

–Yes, I am, but then again it’s a mind set

• Are you a good loser?

–Yes I am a pretty good loser.  Don’t like it but don’t make a big deal about it

• What was the favourite time of your life?

–I have to say, I like the me I am now.  I also liked the way I was in my 20s

• Do you have a close family connection?

–My family has always been close and one of the closest connections is one of my cousins

• Can you speak another language?

–I am working on that 😉 (Took French in school and working on Spanish)

• Will Trump be in for another term?

–No idea

• What are your thoughts on English people?

–They are great!

• Was life better without mobile phones?

–It was different and we had other ways to connect.  Mobile phones are the now though and the ultimate way we connect

• What has been the biggest change in your life?

–Letting go of someone after fighting for them for so long

• Is climate change real?

–Well, obviously, along with other factors

• Why do you like answering questions?

–It’s fun 🙂

Feel free to C&P and play along!

Belle xo

*Picture from Pinterest

me, Poem, poetry

In The Archives

woman-3435842__480I never thought I would be in this place

Always thought, not me, it could never happen to me

Yet, here I am, feeling at times I have fallen from grace

Feeling so ashamed, broken and crappy

I fought so hard, yet still didn’t save us

But that’s what happens when only one is making the effort

Then you woke up and decided to fuss

Even though we already seemed to be severed

With no communication and trust to help in the fix

It all fell apart no matter what was in the mix

No amount of counseling, talking and listening would do

I still saw you continue to do the same with no clue

And until I finally gave up and you went to the retreat

Did you admit all I had been saying was concrete

I am done and hate it has come to this

For even though the years have been hell and bliss

I know its time to move on with our lives

And put this part of us in the archives

Belle xo

*Picture from Pixabay